Make The Mall Fun!

Planning a trip to the mall? BORING! Who does that? I hope you’re not going there to go shopping. God, that’s awful! Trust me, there’s stuff you can do to make the mall a lot better.

One trick that I’ve learned over the years involves a makeup store (preferably a Sephora), hands (your own will work if you can’t find another pair laying around) and some lipstick. Start by applying the lipstick all over your body. Do not stop until your body can be scientifically proven to be made up of at least 31% lipstick or you will ruin everything. Once you’ve successfully transformed yourself into a lipstick monster, start running around the store. Foam at the mouth if you have to, I don’t give a fuck. Now, find an employee. Any one will do but if you can find one that looks like Justin Bieber that would be perfect. Start screaming, and for added effect, feel free to shake them as hard as you can. Say things while screaming like “what have your products done to me?” and “look at my disease!” Super fun times.

Lipstick bath not for you? Maybe you’re more of a food lover. Awesome, this next activity will be perfect! Stop in the food court and walk up to the counter at Arby’s (or Wendy’s or Burger King, whatever, this isn’t a life or death situation. Jesus.). Before anyone can address you, hop up on the counter and announce “I’m here for my meat coat, y’all!” Since you’re already up on the counter, you might as well hop behind it. Pick up a handful of fries and just look at them for a couple minutes. Then say “oh, no thanks! I’m stuffed, I already ate like four scarves downstairs at the Urban Outfitters.” You can give yourself a ketchup mustache too if you’re one of those perverts that’s into that kind of shit.

Still haven’t found a way to have fun at the mall? This last recommendation is fool proof. That’s right, we’re going to Build-a-Bear! Walk in the door with your sunglasses on like you own that shit. Wink at the first bear you see but make sure you take off your sunglasses or else no one will see the wink, idiot. Now walk up to an employee and introduce yourself. Say “hi, I’m Dennis. The butt guy. You might know me from TV. Here’s my card.” As they reach out for your card, tickle their palm. As soon as they pull away, shout “aha!” Tell them you’re with PETA and start to eat all the stuffing you can find. Then take off. Seriously, run. Get the fuck out of the mall and never come back.