Archive

Archive for September, 2011

Jason’s Daycare

September 26, 2011 14 comments

Are your kids bugging the shit out of you?  Well, they’re probably going to bug the shit out of me too.  But I could use a few extra bucks.

So bring them down to Jason’s Daycare!  But you better change those nasty little diapers first.  The only dumps that I want to get intimate with are my own personal masterpieces.

Ultimate monster mega-shoutout to @FreakArms for the amazing Jason's Daycare logo that we all know I'm incapable of making. Go follow him on Twitter and check out the other cool shit he makes!

While you’re “working,” I’ll be teaching your kids about biting and pulling hair.  Real tough guy shit.  Learning how to fight like a man is the most important lesson your little pisspots will learn in their formative years, guaranteed!  Mix in some hand to hand combat and voila!  We’ve got a UFC fighter in the making!  And what parent doesn’t want to see their kid in a bloody fight?

We aren’t recommended by anyone and we sure as hell aren’t licensed but who reads the small print?  Your kids are going to hate it!  Isn’t that exactly what you want?  While you’re out drowning yourself at “professional happy hour,” your kids are drowning in their tears in the time out corner!  And the fun doesn’t stop there!

Here's one of my assistants playing one of the center's favorite games--The Michael Jackson Dangling Blanket Off Of The Balcony Game!

We run with scissors!  We schedule weekly fights!  We even take your kids out on weekly field trips!  What other daycare is willing to drag your brat along to the strip club?

Do you love your kids?  Are you sure?  I don’t believe you, you haven’t abandoned them with me yet!

Daily spelling and grammar lessons get your kids ready for the real world.  But we won’t be teaching them words like dog and cat.  No, we’re prepping them for life on the wrong side of the playground!  They’ll learn how to talk their way out of a gum deal gone wrong or how to make that little slob that’s hogging the monkey bars cry.

Here's one of my assistants walking your little brat like the animal they are!

Don’t bother packing them a snack.  We’ll take care of that!  Fifty pounds of donuts, all the soda poppy cola you can drink and our chocolate candy mountain will fill your kids up with enough hyperactive fuel to supply their one-man mission to the moon!  Healthy snacks?  What kind of pussy parents feed their kids that?  We’re going to make your dentist a millionaire!

Winner of over seventy prestigious academic awards including the Severely Stunting Your Child’s Growth Award!  With praise like “stay away at all costs,” coming from parents of our former students, how can you go wrong?  What kind of silly question is that, goofball?  Ya can’t!

So bring your kids down to Jason’s Daycare!  We promise nothing but the best, worst childcare in town!  Come on, I’m broke!

———————————————————————————————————————–

Follow @FreakArms on Twitter (why can’t you put links in captions?)

Advertisements

Game Show Network Lays it All on the Line

September 17, 2011 16 comments

The Game Show Network has fallen on tough times. After losing their lone viewer, eighty-nine year old Dorcas Shvebalski, during their eight millionth rerun of Supermarket Sweep, the network realized it was time to head in another direction.

The network, which has tried several other marketing gimmicks in the past, views this last push as a last chance for survival.

“I ain’t watch dat show in two monts,” said Dotty Dobledopper, the network’s second last viewer who admits to giving up on the channel. “I got dem, uhh DVDs dey call ’em, now.”

I attended a press conference to ask some tough questions about the future of GSN. I wanted to know what they would do to preserve the memory of Dorcas. How will this station go forward with 0 viewers? Has America quit on the game show? Shouldn’t game show be one word? Will you still show reruns of Supermarket Sweep?

It turns out the press conference that I was in attendance for had absolutely nothing to do with the Game Show Network. BUT(!), I was able to get my hands on a programming brochure for the network’s upcoming Friday Night Game Night. Being described as “fun for the whole family,” and “the revolutionary force in the game show war,” if this new block of programming doesn’t save the Game Show Network, nothing will.

Here is the prospective lineup for Friday Night Game Night that I pulled directly from the programming brochure:

The Long Division Showdown, 7: 30 PM
From the masterminds that brought the world the Math Olympics comes this riveting math-hour of fun! Watch as these mathoholics divide everything in their path and won’t stop until the very last digit is downed!

How Much Can You Poop?, 8:00 PM
Push! Push harder! Nope, this ain’t labor! It’s poop! Brought in from all corners of the world, the world’s most successful competitive poopers compete on the most prestigious toilet of all, The Golden Throne.

The Newlydead Game, 8:30 PM
Our infrared cameras pick up 100 year-old lovers reuniting on the other side and test their knowledge of their newlydead significant other. Do they prefer worms or maggots to devour them? Padded or firm caskets? A true test of undead love.

The 4,000 Cigarette Challenge, 9:00 PM
Smoking is cool. Contests are cool. How’s about a smoking contest? Do your lungs have what it takes? PROVE IT! We aren’t fuckin’ around here! Either smoke ’em, or GET SMOKED! The first to smoke 4,000 gets sent home with 4,000 more! But nobody goes home empty lunged. Whether it’s a tumor or a man chest filled with smoke power, you’ll never forget us!

Is it Juice or Poison?

Poison or Juice?, 9:30 PM
Plug your nose and close your eyes, hope it’s juice or you might die! A wacky hour of suspenseful fun as taste buds find themselves on a final tour de force of chance and mystery. Don’t drink the wrong one or it could be your last!

Can You Survive This Gunshot?, 10:30 PM
Every American wonders if they have what it takes to live through a blast to the head. Come find out the hard way! We’ve got some real bang bang guys; former snipers and SWAT team members ready to load and then reload all over your lifeless body. Will you pussy out? Get up!

There are plenty of critics laughing off Friday Night Game Night. I’m not one of them. Here’s to decades of success for GSN.

Maroon 5 Excited to Finally be Considered Hip

September 13, 2011 12 comments

Sources nowhere near the Maroon 5 camp are reporting tonight that the group is elated with the wide-reaching success of their new single “Moves Like Jagger.” After spending years exclusively on adult contemporary stations, the group is in disbelief that there might actually be a twenty-something year old out there humming one of their songs.

What has changed for the group? Several music outsiders (the insiders were too expensive) told me they “put a dance beat on it,” and “did all that keyboardy shit.” This reportedly helps to “get the club bangin’!”

My imaginary source tells me that the group can’t believe that there’s even a slight possibility that they could make the club bang.

“Up until ‘Moves Like Jagger,’ the only thing the boys could get banging was the women’s department at Macy’s.”

The group, looking to expand from their core audience of dorky moms, decided on a more cutting edge approach to reach a wider fan base. The only problem was believability. The world’s biggest geek singing a song rife with sexual innuendos seemed like a reach.

(Former?) Maroon 5 fan club president Becky Janikowski

“We needed to get more cutting edge,” said a homeless man pretending to be Maroon 5’s manager late Monday night. “I told Addy (Adam Levine) to get some tattoos and take his shirt off. I give him the credit, he did it. I never said he didn’t cry, but he did it nonetheless.”

In early shoots of the video, band members thought the new cutting edge image seemed a little forced.

“Since when does Levine have fucking tattoos?” asked the drummer of a local Van Halen cover band. “What a poser!”

That’s when the idea to bring in someone with knowledge of both Jagger and Levine’s “moves” came up.

“We needed someone that had firsthand working experience with both of these guys,” said the homeless guy. “We knew there was one person out there that had it for sure. That’s when we decided to call Christina (Aguilera).”

With an experienced Dirrty girl in Aguilera on hand to vouch for Levine’s “moves,” any questions went out the window.

“I’m Adam Levine and I know how to do sex!” said an Adam Levine lookalike at the mall after I asked him to repeat after me.

What’s next for the boys of Maroon 5? That’s easy, says one music outsider.

“Well, they got the moms. They got the kids and the clubs. The dads!”

Be on the lookout for an 80’s hair metal album from the boys of Maroon 5 next fall!

——————————————————————————

For those that are not familiar with this group, song or video, here it is. (I’m very sorry)

Congratulations WordPress, You’ve Been Freshly Jasoned

September 12, 2011 2 comments

…and that’s way better than being Freshly Pressed.

Ron’s Magical Talks

September 10, 2011 4 comments

Judge me. The other day I decided to watch Jersey Shore. I was bored, it was on, I was intrigued. The title of the episode was “Fist Pumps, Pushups, Chapstick,” but MTV clearly got it wrong. The episode should have been titled Ron’s Magical Talks.

In this episode, the intellectual cornerstone of the show, Ron, had a real coming out party. Every time there was trouble, there was Ron. Calm, soothing, insightful, beautiful Ron. The inspiration of conversation, Ron.

If you recall correctly, and I’m sure you do, the last couple episodes featured Ron showing his other side–dark, murderous, mysterious and angry. But Ron throws all of that out the window in the opening scene. The Situation, Ron’s sworn enemy heading into the episode, is suicidal. He’s on the brink. He wants to go home! He just needs someone to talk to. Guess who shows up.

Duh, it’s Ron. As Ron massages The Situation’s neck brace, they realize that they need to be friends again. Ron assures Mike (The Situation’s nickname for those that didn’t know) that he “knows more than anyone else.” Seconds later, Ron is summoned by scientists from around the world to help build a time machine.

The meeting with the scientists isn’t shown and Ron springs into action within seconds of the conclusion of his first talk.

After Ron overhears Snooki fighting with her boyfriend on the phone, he chases her to his makeshift psychiatrist office. Ron mutters something about someone “sucking Nutella off of my toes,” and Snooki tells him he’s right. Magical advice indeed.

Somehow, five minutes goes by before Ron has another talk. I’m not sure what MTV was thinking allowing so much time between talks. But this one was big.

After Vinny and Pauly go through a huge identity crisis and dress up as “The Ultimate Guidos,” Ron gets upset. He sits them down and tells them that they don’t need to dress up in costumes to feel good about themselves. They’re great guys, gosh darn it! As Ron sings them a lullaby, the three guys cry together and realize that they just have to be themselves. Alright, unfortunately this talk never happened. But imagine what it would have done for the ratings if it did!

Finally, Ron gets another chance to shine. He seeks out Sam, his long-time scream-partner, and offers up a magical talk. She accepts his offer.

Doesn

Sam tells Ron he’s committed the ultimate sin of bringing another girl’s phone number into the house. Ron starts to sing her an R&B song in which he apologizes and tells her that she’s all he thinks about. Everything is fucking magical, but suddenly the magic is interrupted!

Vinny walks in! Vinny starts to sing a verse from an R&B song that he happened to write for the two of them and, suddenly, we’re in the middle of a menage-a-Ron three-way magical talk! All three of them fall in love and enter into a three way relationship. In a confessional scene, Sam announces that Ron has “spoken differently” tonight. Sam also recognizes the power of Ron’s magical talks.

The directors, clearly sensing the power of Ron’s talks, quickly cut to another Ron-talk scene. But with this one, they’ve decided to take some risks.

Reverse BicepsThey’ve taken Ron out of his element! After wheeling suitcases around town with Jwoww, Ron sits down for a magical talk outside of the confines of his comfort zone in his psychiatrist office. Thankfully, it works. Ron tells Jwoww how worried he is about “Shnooki’s” relationship. Ron knows that he can help, as he is “the master of love and all that is real.” Jwoww replies “boobs, Roger, boobs.”

Ron heads home and shockingly reveals the source of his new found, magical speaking ability.

Removing the pressure that his chest hair has been causing on his lungs, Ron is now free to speak magically with whomever he likes.

Over the sound of his razor, Ron is somehow able to sense danger. It’s Snooki. She’s on the phone and fighting with her boyfriend again. Ron springs into action. “Yo Shnooki! I’m bout to save you!” he yells as he leaps over a couch. He runs into the room and grabs the phone from Snooki in an attempt to save her relationship.

“Bro, bro, bro, bro,” Ron says magically. Unfortunately for the universe, Snooki’s boyfriend Jynonny wants nothing to do with Ron’s magic. Ron can’t believe that someone would pass up his magical advice and speaks philosophically to the other roommates about how much of a dick this kid is. Meanwhile, Snooki hangs up and starts to cry. Ron knows this is his cue.

Ron gives advice only a magician could give and hugs Snooki.

Meanwhile, Snooki’s twin sister Dino decides to invite her boyfriend, who just so happens to be Balky from Perfect Strangers, to the house. When Dino knocks over a glass and sits down in the shards, she decides that Balky needs to go home. Ron comes in and…wait, what?! No Ron magical talk?! I feel cheated!

The episode closes out with Ron going out with all of the girls in the house except for Snooki. They explain to him that he is accepted among them now because of his great advice and talking abilities. The roommates conspire together to rescue Snooki from the evils of her boyfriend. Ron promises that he will do whatever it takes to save the world, errr house, from this evil.

I can’t wait to talk to Ron next week.

(All images used here are credited to MTV and their Jersey Shore program)

Ask Jason: Dr. Jason’s Diagnosis

September 5, 2011 2 comments

Here’s an extremely important question for you:

Don’t you want to help Donald!?  He’s probably so cold without his troosers!

Q: HAVE YOU SEEN CRAYON?

Signed, Attackofthe…

A: Where do I start?  It’s brilliant questions like these that always throw me for a loop.  How can I satisfy my readers when answering something like this?  Questions like these can’t be answered in short answer columns.  No, an answer to something like this only comes after years and years of testing in a laboratory.  I am trying my best to compile scientific data and  a mathematical theorem in the short time that I have to answer your question.  Please remember that my margin of error in this particular experiment will be remarkably high.

On a side note, yes, I’ve seen crayon.  And it’s WONDERFUL!

Q: Jason, what do you think about old phone numbers?

Signed, Paul Scholls

A: I think old phone numbers are a lot more important than most people realize.  For one, they can serve as an important memory exercise test.  If you’re a mega-genius like me, you can remember every phone number you’ve ever had, along with every license plate, home address and pants size you’ve ever worn.

Also, think of all the cryptic messages hidden inside your phone number.  For example, there’s three sixes in mine.  Does that mean I’m cursed?  Is my family going to have to throw an exorcism party for me?  WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!?!

Here's a license plate I'll never forget.

Q: Dr. Jason, what’s wrong with my tum tum?

Signed, Five Year-Old Crybabies Everywhere

A: Well, here’s an idea.  Maybe if you’d stop eating six bags of chips and five donuts every day, your tum tum would feel just fine!  Don’t you know that will stunt your growth!?  Be a big boy and stop whining about it.  Next time you can’t keep down your twenty-ninth Reese cup, I don’t want you to come crying to Dr. Jason.  Throw it up and handle it like a big boy.  Do you understand me!? 

UPDATE

Our friend over at the purpledogpaintingblog spoke with a detective named Google and was able to find some leads for us regarding the identity and whereabouts of Mr. Joey Cookies.  Detective Google was able pinpoint three possible locations that Mr. Cookies may be hiding out in.  We are currently looking into reports that he is either operating a bakery in New Jersey or a restaurant in Hong Kong.  Another anonymous tipper suggested that Mr. Cookies may be Waldo in disguise.  An interesting possibility if you’re familiar with my history with Waldo.  I still need your help.  Who is Joey Cookies and how did his picture turn up on my computer!?

Have any important questions you’d like to ask me?  Something that will change your life?  Then leave me a comment, send me an e-mail or make fun of me on Twitter.  I will try my hardest not to fuck things up too much for you.  Now, save the world by voting for what question you’d like Jason to answer next:

Job Hunting with Jason

September 1, 2011 5 comments

Wow!  The economy sucks, doesn’t it?!  That has been my excuse for not having a job for the last five years.  But my mom has had enough.  She told me that if I didn’t get a job, I couldn’t stay at her house anymore.  So I told her I’d rather be homeless and do it my way than be a bitch boy and sell out to the man.

After two days of camping in the backyard (6,000 marshmallows!!!), I’ve decided to look for a job.  Join me as I apply for some jobs that I find intriguing and find out how to get hired by anyone and get offered millions while doing it.

The first job I applied for, I stumbled upon by accident.  I was in the drive-thru line at my local fat food restaurant when I looked over at the five thousand foot sign in the parking lot.  “Now hirring maintance,” it read.  “Flexable hours,” was the second line.  Now, I have no idea what a “tance” is, but being able to be the main anything sounds baller as fuck.  I spit in my hand and slicked my hair back.  I’m going to become the best Main Tance this town has ever seen!  When I got to the speaker, I didn’t waste any time.

“Welcome to…” said the employee before I cut them off.

“Yes!  HELLO!” I was talking like a robot because I heard that most companies are depending on computers a lot more these days.  “I am here to interview for your main tance position!”

“Excuse me?” I could tell the employee was in love.

“Yes, that’s right!  I want to be your Main Tance!  I’m an experienced tancer, I’ve been tancing for many years for many different supervisors. ”  Between all the beeping horns and lovestruck employees, I was causing a real ruckus in the drive-thru line.  Finally, a manager got on the intercom and told me if I didn’t leave or place an order, he would call the police.  I made a business card out of an old napkin that I found in the car, threw it at the pick-up window and took off.  I’m still waiting for a phone call.

I didn’t think that there were any more jobs out there until one of my friends told me about CraigsImportantList.net.  Within two minutes of visiting the site, I found this:

They clearly had me in mind when creating this posting.

So I sent in some hot picz of doodz that weren’t actually me.  When the guy called me back, I told him my name was John Sex before changing it to Jason later on and talked in a super deep voice to make myself sound even hotter.  Guess what.  I got the job!

I went to my first day of work super pumped.  But my boss didn’t seem as pumped.  He insisted that I wasn’t the same person that was in the pictures that I sent him.  “What?!  Are you kidding me?!  I gained some weight!  Do you want to hear from my lawyers about this?  This is discrimination!”  That totally worked.

We started to do some training.  This consisted of me taking my shirt off, rolling around on the ground and doing squat thrusts.  Every time I heard the camera being snapped, I’d show off my magnificent smile.  “Eeeeeeeee,” I’d say since the only important part about smiling is opening your mouth wide and showing your teeth.  I couldn’t keep myself from laughing though.

“Be more romantic!” my boss would yell.  All that would do was make me giggle.  “Give me some kissy faces!!’ he’d scream at the top of his lungs.  I kept yelling “muah, muah, muah!” but I guess that wasn’t what he was looking for.  He would come over and try and pose my satin underwear-wearing body for me but I would scream “stop tickling me!” in his face.

After a couple of hours, my boss came to talk to me.

“Look, Jason just isn’t a sexy name.  You can’t give me kissy faces, you’re fat and you just keep giggling.  You don’t have a future in this biznass.”  I tried to spit in his face but I missed.  I ran out the front door crying in my newly acquired satin underwear and cried so hard that I threw up next to my car.  Sike.

Here's another job that I tried. Unfortunately, dick heads (including the one that took this picture) would take pictures of me and run away.

Luckily, my mom is finally buying the “this economy is really tough” excuse.  As of today, I’m moved back in and laying around like a poopoo slob more than ever.  But now when she yells at me, I just tell her that I’m laid off and so upset.  It works every time!  Oh yeah, I also talked her into giving me an allowance again.  Looks like I don’t need a job after all!