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My Birthday Wish List

An Extra Life

I know what you’re thinking.  “Jesus already did that.  What a poser!”  Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to tell you exactly how to figure this one out.   It is my birthday, after all.  But you could try picking up a coin every time you see one until you get a hundred or maybe killing your boss would work.  That’s how they do it in video games, at least.  I don’t really think they would just make something like that up.

The Color Orange

Do you know anyone else that owns a color?  Stop, no you don’t.  I’d be walking down the street and people would be like “yo dudes!  It’s Jason, he’s that cat that owns orange!”  I would probably be wearing a fuzzy orange Kangol jump suit and that might give it away.  But whatever, I own orange now, that’s my job.

To be as Cool as Someone Named Derek

I knew this kid named Derek once that was so cool that he just stayed a kid forever.  He even wore a backwards hat.  I also heard this really cool rumor that all Dereks learn how to slam dunk a basketball when they’re five.  I still have to sing a song to help me tie my shoes.

A Stick or Something

I don’t know, I’m kind of out of ideas.

A New Breath

Mine has been disgusting lately and it’s really starting to piss me off.  The other night after I ate a Doritos and asparagus salad, I’m pretty sure I killed my grandma just by talking to her on the phone.  I’d like my new breath to smell like something delightful, like a box of crayons or a new book.  You know, something sexy but not too over the top.

Categories: Humor Tags: , , , , ,
  1. kimberlystojakovic
    April 29, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    haha.. I have this ebola like stomach flu & you just made me laugh..

    • April 29, 2012 at 5:23 pm

      I hope the laughing didn’t negatively affect the ebola. Thanks for reading it, hope you feel better.

  2. April 29, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    If you wore an orange kangol jump suit it would a bold enough mood for me to turn over my stock in orange to you. This should give you a controlling interest in orange.

    PS. Don’t make orange suck like Michael Jordan made the Charlotte Bobcats suck.

    • April 30, 2012 at 12:48 pm

      I’ll do whatever it takes to prove my dedication to orange. I would even consider having a basketball/face transplant.

  3. May 2, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    A stick? Good mothers day present idea, I’ll wrap one up and leave it on her doorstep…To get Derek powers you just have to imprison one and shave it’s fur regularly…every Derek I’ve know has been kinda douchy actually…Dereks dont help the planet.

    • May 4, 2012 at 9:08 pm

      I don’t know dude, seems like every time I turn around a Derek is slam dunking a basketball or kissing twelve girls at once.

  4. May 3, 2012 at 6:43 pm

    This Derek guy, he have one of them Maury aging diseases? Only 40 people in the world have that. Derek is some kind of special. I bet he even gets to meet Michael Jordan before he dies.

    • May 4, 2012 at 9:09 pm

      I think he’s just like a magical being. Like the chosen one or something. But yeah, he probably gets to hang out with Michael Jordan like every single day.

  5. May 19, 2012 at 9:27 am

    If it makes you feel any better. I know a Derek who cannot slam dunk a basketball. I think he was required to change his name to Simon when he turned six. He didn’t, so he is running from the law.

    • June 4, 2012 at 9:59 pm

      I’ve heard about something like this before. I think he had to go in front of the Derek Committee and they stripped him of his name. He’ll probably be in a jail for a long time.

  6. Molly
    August 7, 2012 at 12:25 am

    if I ever got to own a color it’d probably be like rust red or smokers teeth yellow bc all the sweet colors like teal and purple would be WAY too expensive :/

    • August 22, 2012 at 10:01 am

      That’s why you have to ask for them on your birthday and throw a huge hissy fit if you don’t get the color you want. If you make people feel bad enough about ruining your life, they’ll buy it for you.

  1. June 11, 2012 at 11:26 am

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