An Extra Life
I know what you’re thinking. “Jesus already did that. What a poser!” Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to tell you exactly how to figure this one out. It is my birthday, after all. But you could try picking up a coin every time you see one until you get a hundred or maybe killing your boss would work. That’s how they do it in video games, at least. I don’t really think they would just make something like that up.
The Color Orange
Do you know anyone else that owns a color? Stop, no you don’t. I’d be walking down the street and people would be like “yo dudes! It’s Jason, he’s that cat that owns orange!” I would probably be wearing a fuzzy orange Kangol jump suit and that might give it away. But whatever, I own orange now, that’s my job.
To be as Cool as Someone Named Derek
I knew this kid named Derek once that was so cool that he just stayed a kid forever. He even wore a backwards hat. I also heard this really cool rumor that all Dereks learn how to slam dunk a basketball when they’re five. I still have to sing a song to help me tie my shoes.
A Stick or Something
I don’t know, I’m kind of out of ideas.
A New Breath
Mine has been disgusting lately and it’s really starting to piss me off. The other night after I ate a Doritos and asparagus salad, I’m pretty sure I killed my grandma just by talking to her on the phone. I’d like my new breath to smell like something delightful, like a box of crayons or a new book. You know, something sexy but not too over the top.