My Birthday Wish List

An Extra Life

I know what you’re thinking.  “Jesus already did that.  What a poser!”  Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to tell you exactly how to figure this one out.   It is my birthday, after all.  But you could try picking up a coin every time you see one until you get a hundred or maybe killing your boss would work.  That’s how they do it in video games, at least.  I don’t really think they would just make something like that up.

The Color Orange

Do you know anyone else that owns a color?  Stop, no you don’t.  I’d be walking down the street and people would be like “yo dudes!  It’s Jason, he’s that cat that owns orange!”  I would probably be wearing a fuzzy orange Kangol jump suit and that might give it away.  But whatever, I own orange now, that’s my job.

To be as Cool as Someone Named Derek

I knew this kid named Derek once that was so cool that he just stayed a kid forever.  He even wore a backwards hat.  I also heard this really cool rumor that all Dereks learn how to slam dunk a basketball when they’re five.  I still have to sing a song to help me tie my shoes.

A Stick or Something

I don’t know, I’m kind of out of ideas.

A New Breath

Mine has been disgusting lately and it’s really starting to piss me off.  The other night after I ate a Doritos and asparagus salad, I’m pretty sure I killed my grandma just by talking to her on the phone.  I’d like my new breath to smell like something delightful, like a box of crayons or a new book.  You know, something sexy but not too over the top.