Archive

Posts Tagged ‘Satire’

When Commercials Work

January 7, 2012 12 comments

Start here:

Some commercials create a jingle to help sell their product.  Rarely does a commercial create a generation-defining anthem that changes music as we know it.

Take a guy singing the catchiest melody of all time in my first-thing-in-the-morning voice.   Throw it over a sexual synthy bass and some other musicy shit and we’re ready for Jazzercise class.  If you aren’t singing this song to yourself as you bathe your children and do your taxes, you’re probably one of those lame shitheads that “don’t listen to music.”

But it’s not just the music.  This commercial has it all.  Great product shots, men in bracelets, romance.  A few of these scenes deserve a special look.

JUST A COUPLE OF DUDES, HANGIN’ OUT

NBC’s The Voice is all like “he’s the man,” and the man is all like “I’m wearing bracelets!”  But then the arrow was all like “this is cuter than puppies!”

MMMMHHMMM

You’re right, jugs would have been too much.  Now let me slide all up on you as we reenact a tender real life moment over a couple bottles of wine.  Mmmm my precious Chardonnay.

WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS DUDE WITH THE MUSTACHE?, NEXT TIME THIS BETTER BE YOU

YOU’RE GONNA BUY YOUR FUCKIN LIQUOR AT ON THE ROX!  DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?  NEITHER OF YOU LOOK AT ME!  THERE’S NOTHING EVEN IN THAT BAG!  FUCK!

Hopefully, if you’re musically inclined like Mozart and a couple of the Village People, you sang every word of this to the tune of the On the Rox jingle.  If you plan on buying liquor again, I’ll see you at On the Rox.

Jasing Love

October 11, 2011 7 comments

Three contestants.  The world’s most ineligible bachelor.  Only one will win my love.  Or, I’ll secretly date all three of them.

I’ve been trying to hunt down love for too long.  Enough is enough.  It’s time for a reality dating show.   The chase for love is officially on!  This is Jasing Love.

Jasing Love, the hottest reality dating show since MTV's Next.

All three contestants were selected based on their personal ads alone.  Unheard of levels of mystery and suspense that have never been seen on a dating show!  What will they look like?  I won’t know until the first date and it’s totally weirding me out.

CONTESTANT ONE: Haircuts, 22

Sexy HaircutsI ring her doorbell and fondle my hair.  “How’s about one of them sexy haircuts?”  She invites me in.  She sits me down in a chair and wraps me in my magnificent hair cape.  She struts to her radio and turns it on, letting out a giggle that I’m actually extremely irritated by.  The hottest funk track I’ve ever heard starts to play as the haircut begins.  The singer whispers “sexy.”

I could get used to this!  A haircut everyday until the very last hair on my body has been sexily cut.  It doesn’t take me long to notice that there actually isn’t anything sexy about the haircut, though.  In fact, it seems exactly like any haircut I’ve ever gotten, just louder.

She shows me the finished product.  I look like Kevin Federline with a pony-tail!  I’m freaking out when she starts to talk.

“Sexy haircut!  You look just like my boyfriend!”

I pay her the forty-five dollars I owe her for the haircut and get the hell out of there.

CONTESTANT TWO:  Grandmother Kiss, Old

Older womanThis date starts at a restaurant.  The classiest Burger King in town.  Picking her out of the crowd of seniors there is harder than a game of Where’s Waldo.  They’re all wearing the same outfit.

I track down my lover coming out of the bathroom.  Our conversation gets intense immediately.

“I just want to be wild!  I want to be free!” she tells me.

I knew I was in love instantly.  She gives me a super hard grandma kiss and I start to daydream.  Images of things we’ve never done together start to play over a song so beautiful, it’s a crime to call it by name.  She takes off from our table and launches an all-out peck offensive on the helpless restaurant.  Kiss bombs falling from the sky, blowing up tables left and right.  Somehow through the chaos, I make my way to a floral display next to the soft drink dispensers.  I pluck out a single plastic flower and hand it to m’lady.  The weird thing is, she doesn’t even realize she’s on a dating show.  She just thinks I’m being romantic.  She’s safe.  For now.

CONTESTANT THREE: Business Sexual, 28

Strictly business.

“Very professional to meet you,” I say as I hit her with the firm handshake/business card combo.  She’s wearing a business suit with business stockings and business glasses.

We sit face to face as if it were a job interview.  She presents her figures.  Only three hundred for that!?

“I think the chase is over,” I say in my emotional confessional scene.

The Jasing Love logo flashes on the screen as my name invades the credits.

NEXT WEEK ON JASING LOVE!

Is Grandmother Kiss pregnant?  Business Sexual shares her LinkedIn account!  Jason posts underwear pics on Facebook!  Sexy haircuts for the whole cast and crew!  Three way or prison brawl?  Is Jason an asshole!?

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A big thank you and shout out to @FreakArms for coming through again with an awesome logo.  Follow him on Twitter already!

Conspiracy Theorists Convinced That Conspiracy is a Conspiracy

October 5, 2011 16 comments

A group of middle-aged, skullet wearing men gathered outside of city hall late last week.  Holding signs that featured the phrase “Truth?” and the Illuminati eye, everything seemed completely rational and important.  As the crowd displayed a total lack of organizational skills and screamed a bunch of different words completely out of unison, I could sense the chaos in the air.

I needed to be a part of this revolutionary moment.

The first man I approached at the protest was a certified AARP member.  He, like all of the other men gathered here on this mysterious day, had a skullet.  But his was slightly more unkempt and sparkled like the eye of the Unicorn.  He was wearing a tie-dyed Grateful Dead/Illuminati combo t-shirt.  I could smell the anger in his breath.

“Who do you work for!?” he screamed at me as his mustache flapped in the wind.

“Jason.”

“He’s implanted with a computer chip!” he screamed to Jesse Ventura’s seventeen long-lost, identical twins.

I was able to diffuse the situation with my extensive knowledge of cryptozoology.  Within seconds, I had him talking about the rally.

“We don’t even believe what they’re making us believe.  And what they’re making us believe isn’t even what really happened!”  For a moment, he realized that he was, in fact, a lunatic.  “The conspiracy is a conspiracy!  It’s not real!  They’re making us believe it!”

I needed to know how the government was pulling off such an extravagant stunt.

“Come with me to our clubhouse!” he sprinted five feet down the sidewalk and stopped, out of breath.  “There is no clubhouse, that’s a conspiracy too!”

I made the mistake of asking him the group’s intentions.  My ears almost threw up hot wax.

“Look above you, it’s in the chem-trails.  They’re hypnotizing us!  Roswell, DNA, computer chips, missing socks. The Illuminati owns your urine!  They own everything!  Why do they want us to believe this?  I’ll tell you how they’re doing it!  Airplanes that fly!  Radio waves!  Nuclear reactors!  The board game Battleship!” he was almost crying. “They implanted a computer chip in our brains when we were sleeping!  They’re controlling our thoughts!”

Chem trails!?!

I asked him what conspiracy they were being forced to believe.

“Exactly!  That’s all part of the conspiracy!” he squealed.

Ok?  It didn’t look like I’d be getting an answer.  I pressed harder.

“We all want answers god damn it!  Why does NASCAR exist?  How do magicians do their tricks?  How does Little Caesars make a whole damn pizza in five minutes!?  I don’t want this in my brain!  Can’t you see what they’re doing to us!?”

I looked high and low.  I didn’t see anything.  Just as I told him that he’d be alone for the rest of his life, the police showed up.

“The movement can’t be silenced!” screamed a mustache as I tiptoed away.

Jason’s Daycare

September 26, 2011 14 comments

Are your kids bugging the shit out of you?  Well, they’re probably going to bug the shit out of me too.  But I could use a few extra bucks.

So bring them down to Jason’s Daycare!  But you better change those nasty little diapers first.  The only dumps that I want to get intimate with are my own personal masterpieces.

Ultimate monster mega-shoutout to @FreakArms for the amazing Jason's Daycare logo that we all know I'm incapable of making. Go follow him on Twitter and check out the other cool shit he makes!

While you’re “working,” I’ll be teaching your kids about biting and pulling hair.  Real tough guy shit.  Learning how to fight like a man is the most important lesson your little pisspots will learn in their formative years, guaranteed!  Mix in some hand to hand combat and voila!  We’ve got a UFC fighter in the making!  And what parent doesn’t want to see their kid in a bloody fight?

We aren’t recommended by anyone and we sure as hell aren’t licensed but who reads the small print?  Your kids are going to hate it!  Isn’t that exactly what you want?  While you’re out drowning yourself at “professional happy hour,” your kids are drowning in their tears in the time out corner!  And the fun doesn’t stop there!

Here's one of my assistants playing one of the center's favorite games--The Michael Jackson Dangling Blanket Off Of The Balcony Game!

We run with scissors!  We schedule weekly fights!  We even take your kids out on weekly field trips!  What other daycare is willing to drag your brat along to the strip club?

Do you love your kids?  Are you sure?  I don’t believe you, you haven’t abandoned them with me yet!

Daily spelling and grammar lessons get your kids ready for the real world.  But we won’t be teaching them words like dog and cat.  No, we’re prepping them for life on the wrong side of the playground!  They’ll learn how to talk their way out of a gum deal gone wrong or how to make that little slob that’s hogging the monkey bars cry.

Here's one of my assistants walking your little brat like the animal they are!

Don’t bother packing them a snack.  We’ll take care of that!  Fifty pounds of donuts, all the soda poppy cola you can drink and our chocolate candy mountain will fill your kids up with enough hyperactive fuel to supply their one-man mission to the moon!  Healthy snacks?  What kind of pussy parents feed their kids that?  We’re going to make your dentist a millionaire!

Winner of over seventy prestigious academic awards including the Severely Stunting Your Child’s Growth Award!  With praise like “stay away at all costs,” coming from parents of our former students, how can you go wrong?  What kind of silly question is that, goofball?  Ya can’t!

So bring your kids down to Jason’s Daycare!  We promise nothing but the best, worst childcare in town!  Come on, I’m broke!

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Follow @FreakArms on Twitter (why can’t you put links in captions?)

Game Show Network Lays it All on the Line

September 17, 2011 16 comments

The Game Show Network has fallen on tough times. After losing their lone viewer, eighty-nine year old Dorcas Shvebalski, during their eight millionth rerun of Supermarket Sweep, the network realized it was time to head in another direction.

The network, which has tried several other marketing gimmicks in the past, views this last push as a last chance for survival.

“I ain’t watch dat show in two monts,” said Dotty Dobledopper, the network’s second last viewer who admits to giving up on the channel. “I got dem, uhh DVDs dey call ’em, now.”

I attended a press conference to ask some tough questions about the future of GSN. I wanted to know what they would do to preserve the memory of Dorcas. How will this station go forward with 0 viewers? Has America quit on the game show? Shouldn’t game show be one word? Will you still show reruns of Supermarket Sweep?

It turns out the press conference that I was in attendance for had absolutely nothing to do with the Game Show Network. BUT(!), I was able to get my hands on a programming brochure for the network’s upcoming Friday Night Game Night. Being described as “fun for the whole family,” and “the revolutionary force in the game show war,” if this new block of programming doesn’t save the Game Show Network, nothing will.

Here is the prospective lineup for Friday Night Game Night that I pulled directly from the programming brochure:

The Long Division Showdown, 7: 30 PM
From the masterminds that brought the world the Math Olympics comes this riveting math-hour of fun! Watch as these mathoholics divide everything in their path and won’t stop until the very last digit is downed!

How Much Can You Poop?, 8:00 PM
Push! Push harder! Nope, this ain’t labor! It’s poop! Brought in from all corners of the world, the world’s most successful competitive poopers compete on the most prestigious toilet of all, The Golden Throne.

The Newlydead Game, 8:30 PM
Our infrared cameras pick up 100 year-old lovers reuniting on the other side and test their knowledge of their newlydead significant other. Do they prefer worms or maggots to devour them? Padded or firm caskets? A true test of undead love.

The 4,000 Cigarette Challenge, 9:00 PM
Smoking is cool. Contests are cool. How’s about a smoking contest? Do your lungs have what it takes? PROVE IT! We aren’t fuckin’ around here! Either smoke ’em, or GET SMOKED! The first to smoke 4,000 gets sent home with 4,000 more! But nobody goes home empty lunged. Whether it’s a tumor or a man chest filled with smoke power, you’ll never forget us!

Is it Juice or Poison?

Poison or Juice?, 9:30 PM
Plug your nose and close your eyes, hope it’s juice or you might die! A wacky hour of suspenseful fun as taste buds find themselves on a final tour de force of chance and mystery. Don’t drink the wrong one or it could be your last!

Can You Survive This Gunshot?, 10:30 PM
Every American wonders if they have what it takes to live through a blast to the head. Come find out the hard way! We’ve got some real bang bang guys; former snipers and SWAT team members ready to load and then reload all over your lifeless body. Will you pussy out? Get up!

There are plenty of critics laughing off Friday Night Game Night. I’m not one of them. Here’s to decades of success for GSN.