You have to pick your family up from the airport in half an hour. Nobody else can do it but you’re convinced that you have a really bad disease and this cool show about Bigfoot is about to start. A super awesome idea about making a double-decker peanut butter and jelly sandwich just popped into your head too. What do you do?
If you chose Bigfoot, you’re exactly like me. Well, at least how I used to be. Until I decided to become a better person. Ok, maybe I didn’t really decide that but, like, at least three people are really convinced that I did. Maybe you can do like I did and trick people into thinking that there’s a new and improved you. It’s at least worth a shot.
Here’s a few nice tips that I’ve used to brainwash people into thinking that I’m actually trustworthy and decent. They might be able to help you out, too.
GIVE PEOPLE STUFF
Nothing says “I care about you,” quite like a piece of chicken in her face. This Mother’s Day, give back to your mom for all that she’s given to you. Just make sure you don’t leave without sniffing her face for crumbs.
But don’t stop with the chicken for your mom! Actually, yeah. Stop there. It’s way too expensive to be going out and just picking shit up for your friends all the time.
DONATE AND SHIT
The next time a store asks you to donate a dollar to a great cause, do it. Just make sure your name is going up on the wall with the rest of the charity hall-of-famers. Sign your name as Showtime to be sure it sticks out. Then get wild in that bitch! Hang out by your sign and let everyone know who the fuck Showtime is! You just donated to a charity! You can do whatever the fuck you want!
Let people know what’s up. Leave a note at your work station or at home if you’re going to be away. The more honest, the better. Don’t be afraid to be descriptive. Draw pictures, estimate the time you’ll be away. Whatever helps the people around you think that you would actually care about keeping in touch with them.
You should always try to be there for your friends. But like everything else in life, being supportive has its limits. In this instance, that limit is funerals. Your friends can’t expect the world from you and you need to lay down the law in this scenario. “I’m sorry, but I can’t make it to the funeral. My chest actually hurts. A lot,” you explain in an email you send to their work account over the weekend. Your friend gets all mad but it’s one of those sad-mads so you know everything will be fine in a couple weeks.
After all, people die from chest pain every day. If anything, you were just protecting them from another tragedy. What a great friend you are!
These four tips helped me get back on my grandma’s Christmas money list. I can only hope they’ll work half as well for you.
Are your kids bugging the shit out of you? Well, they’re probably going to bug the shit out of me too. But I could use a few extra bucks.
So bring them down to Jason’s Daycare! But you better change those nasty little diapers first. The only dumps that I want to get intimate with are my own personal masterpieces.
While you’re “working,” I’ll be teaching your kids about biting and pulling hair. Real tough guy shit. Learning how to fight like a man is the most important lesson your little pisspots will learn in their formative years, guaranteed! Mix in some hand to hand combat and voila! We’ve got a UFC fighter in the making! And what parent doesn’t want to see their kid in a bloody fight?
We aren’t recommended by anyone and we sure as hell aren’t licensed but who reads the small print? Your kids are going to hate it! Isn’t that exactly what you want? While you’re out drowning yourself at “professional happy hour,” your kids are drowning in their tears in the time out corner! And the fun doesn’t stop there!
We run with scissors! We schedule weekly fights! We even take your kids out on weekly field trips! What other daycare is willing to drag your brat along to the strip club?
Do you love your kids? Are you sure? I don’t believe you, you haven’t abandoned them with me yet!
Daily spelling and grammar lessons get your kids ready for the real world. But we won’t be teaching them words like dog and cat. No, we’re prepping them for life on the wrong side of the playground! They’ll learn how to talk their way out of a gum deal gone wrong or how to make that little slob that’s hogging the monkey bars cry.
Don’t bother packing them a snack. We’ll take care of that! Fifty pounds of donuts, all the soda poppy cola you can drink and our chocolate candy mountain will fill your kids up with enough hyperactive fuel to supply their one-man mission to the moon! Healthy snacks? What kind of pussy parents feed their kids that? We’re going to make your dentist a millionaire!
Winner of over seventy prestigious academic awards including the Severely Stunting Your Child’s Growth Award! With praise like “stay away at all costs,” coming from parents of our former students, how can you go wrong? What kind of silly question is that, goofball? Ya can’t!
So bring your kids down to Jason’s Daycare! We promise nothing but the best, worst childcare in town! Come on, I’m broke!
Follow @FreakArms on Twitter (why can’t you put links in captions?)
Sources nowhere near the Maroon 5 camp are reporting tonight that the group is elated with the wide-reaching success of their new single “Moves Like Jagger.” After spending years exclusively on adult contemporary stations, the group is in disbelief that there might actually be a twenty-something year old out there humming one of their songs.
What has changed for the group? Several music outsiders (the insiders were too expensive) told me they “put a dance beat on it,” and “did all that keyboardy shit.” This reportedly helps to “get the club bangin’!”
My imaginary source tells me that the group can’t believe that there’s even a slight possibility that they could make the club bang.
“Up until ‘Moves Like Jagger,’ the only thing the boys could get banging was the women’s department at Macy’s.”
The group, looking to expand from their core audience of dorky moms, decided on a more cutting edge approach to reach a wider fan base. The only problem was believability. The world’s biggest geek singing a song rife with sexual innuendos seemed like a reach.
“We needed to get more cutting edge,” said a homeless man pretending to be Maroon 5’s manager late Monday night. “I told Addy (Adam Levine) to get some tattoos and take his shirt off. I give him the credit, he did it. I never said he didn’t cry, but he did it nonetheless.”
In early shoots of the video, band members thought the new cutting edge image seemed a little forced.
“Since when does Levine have fucking tattoos?” asked the drummer of a local Van Halen cover band. “What a poser!”
That’s when the idea to bring in someone with knowledge of both Jagger and Levine’s “moves” came up.
“We needed someone that had firsthand working experience with both of these guys,” said the homeless guy. “We knew there was one person out there that had it for sure. That’s when we decided to call Christina (Aguilera).”
With an experienced Dirrty girl in Aguilera on hand to vouch for Levine’s “moves,” any questions went out the window.
“I’m Adam Levine and I know how to do sex!” said an Adam Levine lookalike at the mall after I asked him to repeat after me.
What’s next for the boys of Maroon 5? That’s easy, says one music outsider.
“Well, they got the moms. They got the kids and the clubs. The dads!”
Be on the lookout for an 80’s hair metal album from the boys of Maroon 5 next fall!
For those that are not familiar with this group, song or video, here it is. (I’m very sorry)
…and that’s way better than being Freshly Pressed.
Here’s an extremely important question for you:
Don’t you want to help Donald!? He’s probably so cold without his troosers!
Q: HAVE YOU SEEN CRAYON?
A: Where do I start? It’s brilliant questions like these that always throw me for a loop. How can I satisfy my readers when answering something like this? Questions like these can’t be answered in short answer columns. No, an answer to something like this only comes after years and years of testing in a laboratory. I am trying my best to compile scientific data and a mathematical theorem in the short time that I have to answer your question. Please remember that my margin of error in this particular experiment will be remarkably high.
On a side note, yes, I’ve seen crayon. And it’s WONDERFUL!
Q: Jason, what do you think about old phone numbers?
Signed, Paul Scholls
A: I think old phone numbers are a lot more important than most people realize. For one, they can serve as an important memory exercise test. If you’re a mega-genius like me, you can remember every phone number you’ve ever had, along with every license plate, home address and pants size you’ve ever worn.
Also, think of all the cryptic messages hidden inside your phone number. For example, there’s three sixes in mine. Does that mean I’m cursed? Is my family going to have to throw an exorcism party for me? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!?!
Q: Dr. Jason, what’s wrong with my tum tum?
Signed, Five Year-Old Crybabies Everywhere
A: Well, here’s an idea. Maybe if you’d stop eating six bags of chips and five donuts every day, your tum tum would feel just fine! Don’t you know that will stunt your growth!? Be a big boy and stop whining about it. Next time you can’t keep down your twenty-ninth Reese cup, I don’t want you to come crying to Dr. Jason. Throw it up and handle it like a big boy. Do you understand me!?
Our friend over at the purpledogpaintingblog spoke with a detective named Google and was able to find some leads for us regarding the identity and whereabouts of Mr. Joey Cookies. Detective Google was able pinpoint three possible locations that Mr. Cookies may be hiding out in. We are currently looking into reports that he is either operating a bakery in New Jersey or a restaurant in Hong Kong. Another anonymous tipper suggested that Mr. Cookies may be Waldo in disguise. An interesting possibility if you’re familiar with my history with Waldo. I still need your help. Who is Joey Cookies and how did his picture turn up on my computer!?
Have any important questions you’d like to ask me? Something that will change your life? Then leave me a comment, send me an e-mail or make fun of me on Twitter. I will try my hardest not to fuck things up too much for you. Now, save the world by voting for what question you’d like Jason to answer next:
Wow! The economy sucks, doesn’t it?! That has been my excuse for not having a job for the last five years. But my mom has had enough. She told me that if I didn’t get a job, I couldn’t stay at her house anymore. So I told her I’d rather be homeless and do it my way than be a bitch boy and sell out to the man.
After two days of camping in the backyard (6,000 marshmallows!!!), I’ve decided to look for a job. Join me as I apply for some jobs that I find intriguing and find out how to get hired by anyone and get offered millions while doing it.
The first job I applied for, I stumbled upon by accident. I was in the drive-thru line at my local fat food restaurant when I looked over at the five thousand foot sign in the parking lot. “Now hirring maintance,” it read. “Flexable hours,” was the second line. Now, I have no idea what a “tance” is, but being able to be the main anything sounds baller as fuck. I spit in my hand and slicked my hair back. I’m going to become the best Main Tance this town has ever seen! When I got to the speaker, I didn’t waste any time.
“Welcome to…” said the employee before I cut them off.
“Yes! HELLO!” I was talking like a robot because I heard that most companies are depending on computers a lot more these days. “I am here to interview for your main tance position!”
“Excuse me?” I could tell the employee was in love.
“Yes, that’s right! I want to be your Main Tance! I’m an experienced tancer, I’ve been tancing for many years for many different supervisors. ” Between all the beeping horns and lovestruck employees, I was causing a real ruckus in the drive-thru line. Finally, a manager got on the intercom and told me if I didn’t leave or place an order, he would call the police. I made a business card out of an old napkin that I found in the car, threw it at the pick-up window and took off. I’m still waiting for a phone call.
I didn’t think that there were any more jobs out there until one of my friends told me about CraigsImportantList.net. Within two minutes of visiting the site, I found this:
So I sent in some hot picz of doodz that weren’t actually me. When the guy called me back, I told him my name was John Sex before changing it to Jason later on and talked in a super deep voice to make myself sound even hotter. Guess what. I got the job!
I went to my first day of work super pumped. But my boss didn’t seem as pumped. He insisted that I wasn’t the same person that was in the pictures that I sent him. “What?! Are you kidding me?! I gained some weight! Do you want to hear from my lawyers about this? This is discrimination!” That totally worked.
We started to do some training. This consisted of me taking my shirt off, rolling around on the ground and doing squat thrusts. Every time I heard the camera being snapped, I’d show off my magnificent smile. “Eeeeeeeee,” I’d say since the only important part about smiling is opening your mouth wide and showing your teeth. I couldn’t keep myself from laughing though.
“Be more romantic!” my boss would yell. All that would do was make me giggle. “Give me some kissy faces!!’ he’d scream at the top of his lungs. I kept yelling “muah, muah, muah!” but I guess that wasn’t what he was looking for. He would come over and try and pose my satin underwear-wearing body for me but I would scream “stop tickling me!” in his face.
After a couple of hours, my boss came to talk to me.
“Look, Jason just isn’t a sexy name. You can’t give me kissy faces, you’re fat and you just keep giggling. You don’t have a future in this biznass.” I tried to spit in his face but I missed. I ran out the front door crying in my newly acquired satin underwear and cried so hard that I threw up next to my car. Sike.
Luckily, my mom is finally buying the “this economy is really tough” excuse. As of today, I’m moved back in and laying around like a poopoo slob more than ever. But now when she yells at me, I just tell her that I’m laid off and so upset. It works every time! Oh yeah, I also talked her into giving me an allowance again. Looks like I don’t need a job after all!