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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

My Neighbor’s Dick Garden

November 19, 2011 31 comments

I’ve heard of a green thumb before, but never a peen thumb.  It seems to me that this garden would be a perfect candidate to be the main character in The Secret Garden but there’s nothing secret about it.  A large, growing penis in the middle of the front yard.  I can’t even imagine how many penis enhancement e-mails had to be opened in order to achieve that size.  Let there be no question who has the biggest dick on the block.

The one thing that you’ve got to admire is the dick’s willingness to engulf itself in latex.  What a great hands on model for neighborhood teens to learn how to wrap it up.  You see kids?  Even the world’s biggest dick wears protection!

Dropping temperatures make me feel sympathetic for this unrealistically huge penis that I’d normally be jealous of.  Forced to live outside in the cold and snow, I can’t imagine the amounts of shrinkage that poor Dick will have to deal with.  This gives blue balls a whole new meaning.

Sexy Kitty

November 12, 2011 16 comments

HEEEEY WHAT’S UP LADIES?  SEXY KITTY GETS ALLLLLLL THE PUSSIES.

 

SEXY KITTY KNOWS HE’S SEXY.  MIRROR KISSES EVERY MORNING.

 

STRAIGHT SEXY CHILLIN.

 

SEXY KITTY WRITES YOU A SONG, BITCH.  SOME REAL ROMANTIC SHIT.

 

BEING SO SEXY IS TIRING.  HOP IN GIRL, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

Categories: Humor Tags: , , , , , ,

A Safety Guide for Everyday Life

November 9, 2011 12 comments

People make decisions everyday. Some people choose safety. These are the smart ones. These are the ones that live long, wonderful lives. Did I mention they’re rich? Then we have the Satan spawn, the danger mongers. The “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” assholes. These are the people that fuck around with danger and then have the balls to ask it on a second date. They wind up in jail. Or bloody. Or DEAD. Do you want to die?

These are a few examples of ways to practice safety and avoid danger.

DON’T TRUST THAT GOD DAMN WEATHER MAN
His forecast is fulla shit! Trust Grampy! He’s never lied to you before, has he Scout? Stay dry all the time, like me! Ya see! My skin is flaking off as we speak!

HOT FACIALS
Don’t blow fireballs, blow kisses! Stay away from the steamy, gooey mess of the burn victim’s unit and live to spit another day.

IT’S ALWAYS GAME TIME
Keep that helmet on. You’re never out of the game! What’s that? Coach is talking to you through a magical ear piece? Spring into action and wrap danger up for a big safety! Safety spankings for the whole team!

DON’T BECOME CREEPY UNDERWEAR MAN
You say it’s just a one time thing. Just today, you’re going to go down to the park in your underwear. Never again, just this one time. But once you get there, the sunlight reflecting off of your shiny, satin bikini briefs changes your life. Every waking hour goes into becoming Creepy Underwear Man. Different colors, different textures, different glitter-to-fabric ratios. Underwear to family dinners. Underwear to work. You never went to the library before, but fuck it, underwear to the library too.

There is an important lesson buried somewhere in this sacred text. Only those that continue to practice safety will recognize this lesson. Always remember, safety first.

Categories: Humor Tags: , , , ,

Classic Rock DJ Explodes on Air

November 1, 2011 8 comments

It was a wild scene in the Sanborn, NY based studios of WADS FM late Saturday night.  Long time radio personality “Mad Dog” “Killer” Mike met a tragic fate after literally exploding on air.  Firefighters that arrived on the scene soon after the unfortunate incident were flabbergasted at what they saw.

DJ "Mad Dog" "Killer" Mike

“I ran in there real quick.  There was nothing I could do.  A real rock and roll fireball, that guy.  I’ve heard people say that it’s better to burn out than fade away.  Well Mike took that advice and blew it up.  He just wasn’t even there anymore,” said station producer Kip Shlumpoff.

Investigators are looking into what caused the explosion.  A Fellow WADS DJ, fifty-six year old “Bangin” Megan Reagan provided some insight.

“He just seemed like he was done.  He didn’t want to be a classic rock DJ anymore.  He had been doing a lot of yelling and screaming about the songs he was playing, the same exact format day in and day out.  He’d been doing this for twenty-two years now.  I did hear him say that if he ever had to play ‘Pinball Wizard’ again that he hoped his ‘head exploded and millions of tiny brain particles rained down on everyone in this fucking studio and this God damn shitty sound board.'”

Coincidence?  “Pinball Wizard” by The Who was the last song “Mad Dog” “Killer” Mike would ever attempt to play.

“You could just hear it in his voice.  He really fucking hated pinball.  When he introed that song, he was almost screaming.  He sounded like he might explode.  The fact that he actually did is just unbelievable but I saw it coming,” said a man who later admitted that he wasn’t even listening to the station at the time of the incident.

Meanwhile, classic rock fans in the Western New York community are reeling.

“Dude, ‘Mad Dog’ ‘Killer’ was the only decent radio DJ in the world. He wasn’t a huge douchebag like every other classic rock DJ you’re forced to sit through, bragging about hot babes and their Ace Frehley signed dick holder,” said a twenty-three year old who tried to hide his Styx t-shirt behind a flannel but failed.

In the wake of this tragedy, DJ rights group activists are pushing for reform. Hoping to avoid another on-air incident, the groups are calling for the banning of several songs from mainstream radio including Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.” A spokesperson for the rights group indicated to me that the Journey hit is believed to be the song most likely to cause future explosions in and around the head area.  The groups are also pushing a law that would require all DJs to wear a helmet while broadcasting in order to prevent possible future head explosions.

Always wear a helmet in the DJ booth.

A “heavy metal screamatorium” memorial service will be held on Wednesday night at the bowling alley next to the station’s studios. Live music will be provided by Fire and Falcons, a “thunderforce of painful rock and roll ear sex.”  Even fans of The Who are welcome to attend.

Findaparty.org

October 27, 2011 18 comments

Are you bored?  Are you a loser?  Are you a bored loser that wants to get wiggedy wiggedy wasted?  Then stop crying about the party you didn’t get invited to and find one yourself!

You need to use your super hacker nerd skills and log on to Findaparty.org!  Kablam!  Kablamblowblooblam!

Your Friday night is suddenly above average!  No more Battlestar Galactica reruns!  More like Miller, Labattica, three rums!  Our party database lists everything from the high school house party next door to the ice cream social at the elementary school!

Want to get fucked up with the governor at an official state dinner?  Want to brag to your friends about the hot babe you hooked up with at that random bowling banquet?  Our party finder makes that all possible.

But Mr. Commercial Voice Guy, what if I’m not a nerd?  What if I’m a traveling party circus?  Don’t worry whiny boy, Findaparty’s got you covered!  The fine people over at FloppySoft have created the most revolutionary mobile app in the fuckin’ history of mobile apps!

Want to impress your friends and pull some secret party out of your ass?  Our party radar will help you with that.  It fucking beeps when a party’s nearby!  Does Facebook have submarine-ass shit all inside of it?  NOPE!

Scared that people are going to try and hide their parties from us?  Pfffffffff!  Our high-tech, infrared laser technology can recognize any gathering of three or more IN THE WORLD!  Just don’t blame me when grandma shows up at that weird alien sex party that you just needed to attend.

Drink up  nerd.  You’ll never have a boring night again!

Fall is Here: A Nursery Rhyme

October 17, 2011 28 comments

Fall is here
Fall is here
Time to drown myself in beer
Football, football everyday
Shut up girlfriend, go away
I’m not gonna rake or do any chores
I’ll sit on the toilet ’til I get bored

Oh, Fall is here
Fall is here
Carving faces from ear to ear
Grab the sharpest knife that I can find
The neighborhood kids all run and hide
This year’s pumpkin looks like a monkey
The second one I made is a heroin junkie

Yes, Fall is here
Fall is here
My favorite season of the year
Bobbing for apples until you drown
Pass out naked dressed as a clown
The DJ sucks, he’s wearing a mustache 
I’ll rip his face off if he plays the Monster Mash

A Plea to Idiots: Stop Driving Into Buildings!

October 12, 2011 16 comments

It happened again today. Not once, but twice! That’s right, during one afternoon TWO SEPARATE CARS crashed into two separate buildings.

My city is suffering through an idiot epidemic. No lie, over the last two months, there have been at least twenty-five different instances in which a car has driven directly into a building. What the fuck is the problem here?

When I was a kid, I remember wondering if anyone had ever driven their car into a building. I even remember asking my parents if it had ever happened. They had no idea because apparently, people in the 80s and 90s still came with brains.

These days, kids are going to grow up thinking it’s the coolest thing since Jason to drive your car through some brick and mortar. Hey Jimmy, let’s go drive-thru McDonalds. LITERALLY!

What the fuck is wrong with you idiots? If you don’t know the difference between a fucking store and the road, you shouldn’t be able to leave your bed, let alone drive. Just stop it!

It’s apparent that there is no end in sight to this extremely fucking stupid trend. But maybe I can help. Here are some tips to keep yourself from driving into a building:
-Have a brain
-Actually use your brain (important, yet difficult for some)
-Don’t do stupid shit
-Keep your eyes open
-Be a real human being
-JUST FUCKING STOP IT!

Seriously, I hope this makes a difference. If not, you’re all fucking dumb.

Categories: Humor Tags: , , ,

Jasing Love

October 11, 2011 7 comments

Three contestants.  The world’s most ineligible bachelor.  Only one will win my love.  Or, I’ll secretly date all three of them.

I’ve been trying to hunt down love for too long.  Enough is enough.  It’s time for a reality dating show.   The chase for love is officially on!  This is Jasing Love.

Jasing Love, the hottest reality dating show since MTV's Next.

All three contestants were selected based on their personal ads alone.  Unheard of levels of mystery and suspense that have never been seen on a dating show!  What will they look like?  I won’t know until the first date and it’s totally weirding me out.

CONTESTANT ONE: Haircuts, 22

Sexy HaircutsI ring her doorbell and fondle my hair.  “How’s about one of them sexy haircuts?”  She invites me in.  She sits me down in a chair and wraps me in my magnificent hair cape.  She struts to her radio and turns it on, letting out a giggle that I’m actually extremely irritated by.  The hottest funk track I’ve ever heard starts to play as the haircut begins.  The singer whispers “sexy.”

I could get used to this!  A haircut everyday until the very last hair on my body has been sexily cut.  It doesn’t take me long to notice that there actually isn’t anything sexy about the haircut, though.  In fact, it seems exactly like any haircut I’ve ever gotten, just louder.

She shows me the finished product.  I look like Kevin Federline with a pony-tail!  I’m freaking out when she starts to talk.

“Sexy haircut!  You look just like my boyfriend!”

I pay her the forty-five dollars I owe her for the haircut and get the hell out of there.

CONTESTANT TWO:  Grandmother Kiss, Old

Older womanThis date starts at a restaurant.  The classiest Burger King in town.  Picking her out of the crowd of seniors there is harder than a game of Where’s Waldo.  They’re all wearing the same outfit.

I track down my lover coming out of the bathroom.  Our conversation gets intense immediately.

“I just want to be wild!  I want to be free!” she tells me.

I knew I was in love instantly.  She gives me a super hard grandma kiss and I start to daydream.  Images of things we’ve never done together start to play over a song so beautiful, it’s a crime to call it by name.  She takes off from our table and launches an all-out peck offensive on the helpless restaurant.  Kiss bombs falling from the sky, blowing up tables left and right.  Somehow through the chaos, I make my way to a floral display next to the soft drink dispensers.  I pluck out a single plastic flower and hand it to m’lady.  The weird thing is, she doesn’t even realize she’s on a dating show.  She just thinks I’m being romantic.  She’s safe.  For now.

CONTESTANT THREE: Business Sexual, 28

Strictly business.

“Very professional to meet you,” I say as I hit her with the firm handshake/business card combo.  She’s wearing a business suit with business stockings and business glasses.

We sit face to face as if it were a job interview.  She presents her figures.  Only three hundred for that!?

“I think the chase is over,” I say in my emotional confessional scene.

The Jasing Love logo flashes on the screen as my name invades the credits.

NEXT WEEK ON JASING LOVE!

Is Grandmother Kiss pregnant?  Business Sexual shares her LinkedIn account!  Jason posts underwear pics on Facebook!  Sexy haircuts for the whole cast and crew!  Three way or prison brawl?  Is Jason an asshole!?

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A big thank you and shout out to @FreakArms for coming through again with an awesome logo.  Follow him on Twitter already!

Conspiracy Theorists Convinced That Conspiracy is a Conspiracy

October 5, 2011 16 comments

A group of middle-aged, skullet wearing men gathered outside of city hall late last week.  Holding signs that featured the phrase “Truth?” and the Illuminati eye, everything seemed completely rational and important.  As the crowd displayed a total lack of organizational skills and screamed a bunch of different words completely out of unison, I could sense the chaos in the air.

I needed to be a part of this revolutionary moment.

The first man I approached at the protest was a certified AARP member.  He, like all of the other men gathered here on this mysterious day, had a skullet.  But his was slightly more unkempt and sparkled like the eye of the Unicorn.  He was wearing a tie-dyed Grateful Dead/Illuminati combo t-shirt.  I could smell the anger in his breath.

“Who do you work for!?” he screamed at me as his mustache flapped in the wind.

“Jason.”

“He’s implanted with a computer chip!” he screamed to Jesse Ventura’s seventeen long-lost, identical twins.

I was able to diffuse the situation with my extensive knowledge of cryptozoology.  Within seconds, I had him talking about the rally.

“We don’t even believe what they’re making us believe.  And what they’re making us believe isn’t even what really happened!”  For a moment, he realized that he was, in fact, a lunatic.  “The conspiracy is a conspiracy!  It’s not real!  They’re making us believe it!”

I needed to know how the government was pulling off such an extravagant stunt.

“Come with me to our clubhouse!” he sprinted five feet down the sidewalk and stopped, out of breath.  “There is no clubhouse, that’s a conspiracy too!”

I made the mistake of asking him the group’s intentions.  My ears almost threw up hot wax.

“Look above you, it’s in the chem-trails.  They’re hypnotizing us!  Roswell, DNA, computer chips, missing socks. The Illuminati owns your urine!  They own everything!  Why do they want us to believe this?  I’ll tell you how they’re doing it!  Airplanes that fly!  Radio waves!  Nuclear reactors!  The board game Battleship!” he was almost crying. “They implanted a computer chip in our brains when we were sleeping!  They’re controlling our thoughts!”

Chem trails!?!

I asked him what conspiracy they were being forced to believe.

“Exactly!  That’s all part of the conspiracy!” he squealed.

Ok?  It didn’t look like I’d be getting an answer.  I pressed harder.

“We all want answers god damn it!  Why does NASCAR exist?  How do magicians do their tricks?  How does Little Caesars make a whole damn pizza in five minutes!?  I don’t want this in my brain!  Can’t you see what they’re doing to us!?”

I looked high and low.  I didn’t see anything.  Just as I told him that he’d be alone for the rest of his life, the police showed up.

“The movement can’t be silenced!” screamed a mustache as I tiptoed away.

Jason’s Daycare

September 26, 2011 14 comments

Are your kids bugging the shit out of you?  Well, they’re probably going to bug the shit out of me too.  But I could use a few extra bucks.

So bring them down to Jason’s Daycare!  But you better change those nasty little diapers first.  The only dumps that I want to get intimate with are my own personal masterpieces.

Ultimate monster mega-shoutout to @FreakArms for the amazing Jason's Daycare logo that we all know I'm incapable of making. Go follow him on Twitter and check out the other cool shit he makes!

While you’re “working,” I’ll be teaching your kids about biting and pulling hair.  Real tough guy shit.  Learning how to fight like a man is the most important lesson your little pisspots will learn in their formative years, guaranteed!  Mix in some hand to hand combat and voila!  We’ve got a UFC fighter in the making!  And what parent doesn’t want to see their kid in a bloody fight?

We aren’t recommended by anyone and we sure as hell aren’t licensed but who reads the small print?  Your kids are going to hate it!  Isn’t that exactly what you want?  While you’re out drowning yourself at “professional happy hour,” your kids are drowning in their tears in the time out corner!  And the fun doesn’t stop there!

Here's one of my assistants playing one of the center's favorite games--The Michael Jackson Dangling Blanket Off Of The Balcony Game!

We run with scissors!  We schedule weekly fights!  We even take your kids out on weekly field trips!  What other daycare is willing to drag your brat along to the strip club?

Do you love your kids?  Are you sure?  I don’t believe you, you haven’t abandoned them with me yet!

Daily spelling and grammar lessons get your kids ready for the real world.  But we won’t be teaching them words like dog and cat.  No, we’re prepping them for life on the wrong side of the playground!  They’ll learn how to talk their way out of a gum deal gone wrong or how to make that little slob that’s hogging the monkey bars cry.

Here's one of my assistants walking your little brat like the animal they are!

Don’t bother packing them a snack.  We’ll take care of that!  Fifty pounds of donuts, all the soda poppy cola you can drink and our chocolate candy mountain will fill your kids up with enough hyperactive fuel to supply their one-man mission to the moon!  Healthy snacks?  What kind of pussy parents feed their kids that?  We’re going to make your dentist a millionaire!

Winner of over seventy prestigious academic awards including the Severely Stunting Your Child’s Growth Award!  With praise like “stay away at all costs,” coming from parents of our former students, how can you go wrong?  What kind of silly question is that, goofball?  Ya can’t!

So bring your kids down to Jason’s Daycare!  We promise nothing but the best, worst childcare in town!  Come on, I’m broke!

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Follow @FreakArms on Twitter (why can’t you put links in captions?)