Home > Humor > Pretending to be a Better Person: 4 Nice Tips

Pretending to be a Better Person: 4 Nice Tips

You have to pick your family up from the airport in half an hour.  Nobody else can do it but you’re convinced that you have a really bad disease and this cool show about Bigfoot is about to start.  A super awesome idea about making a double-decker peanut butter and jelly sandwich just popped into your head too.  What do you do?

If you chose Bigfoot, you’re exactly like me.  Well, at least how I used to be.  Until I decided to become a better person.  Ok, maybe I didn’t really decide that but, like, at least three people are really convinced that I did.  Maybe you can do like I did and trick people into thinking that there’s a new and improved you. It’s at least worth a shot.

Here’s a few nice tips that I’ve used to brainwash people into thinking that I’m actually trustworthy and decent.  They might be able to help you out, too.


Nothing says “I care about you,” quite like a piece of chicken in her face.  This Mother’s Day, give back to your mom for all that she’s given to you.  Just make sure you don’t leave without sniffing her face for crumbs.

But don’t stop with the chicken for your mom!  Actually, yeah.  Stop there.  It’s way too expensive to be going out and just picking shit up for your friends all the time.


The next time a store asks you to donate a dollar to a great cause, do it.  Just make sure your name is going up on the wall with the rest of the charity hall-of-famers.  Sign your name as Showtime to be sure it sticks out.  Then get wild in that bitch!  Hang out by your sign and let everyone know who the fuck Showtime is!  You just donated to a charity!  You can do whatever the fuck you want!


Let people know what’s up.  Leave a note at your work station or at home if you’re going to be away.  The more honest, the better.  Don’t be afraid to be descriptive.  Draw pictures, estimate the time you’ll be away.  Whatever helps the people around you think that you would actually care about keeping in touch with them.


You should always try to be there for your friends.  But like everything else in life, being supportive has its limits.  In this instance, that limit is funerals.  Your friends can’t expect the world from you and you need to lay down the law in this scenario.  “I’m sorry, but I can’t make it to the funeral.  My chest actually hurts.  A lot,” you explain in an email you send to their work account over the weekend.  Your friend gets all mad but it’s one of those sad-mads so you know everything will be fine in a couple weeks.

After all, people die from chest pain every day.  If anything, you were just protecting them from another tragedy.  What a great friend you are!

These four tips helped me get back on my grandma’s Christmas money list.  I can only hope they’ll work half as well for you.

Categories: Humor Tags: , , , , , ,
  1. Slang Term
    February 19, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Give mom a taste of the best.

    • February 20, 2012 at 9:57 am

      She deserves it.

  2. February 19, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    What if mom is a vegetarian? I guess youre SOL then.

    • February 19, 2012 at 11:13 pm

      One word. Tofurky.

    • February 20, 2012 at 9:59 am

      I think the tofurky could work. But it’s no chicken. Hopefully she would understand that she just didn’t get anything then.

  3. February 20, 2012 at 6:16 am

    I’m with you on the funeral thing. If you ignore the chest pain to come to my grandmother’s funeral and then died while you were there I would be pissed that you showed up and upstaged her. It is best that you stay home and make sandwiches. Try peanut butter and mashmallow creme.

    • February 20, 2012 at 10:00 am

      I’m always looking out for my friends. Don’t let my chest pain ruin grandma’s funeral.

      One sandwich that I’ve tried lately that I’m really into is peanut butter and nutella. Simply exquisite!

  4. February 23, 2012 at 4:18 am


    Brutal honesty.

    • February 23, 2012 at 3:09 pm

      Absolutely. Honesty is the best policy.

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