The Neighbor Who Broke Christmas
There’s lots of shit in life that people take too far. Fun things that most people are able to do in moderation. Drinking, gambling, porn. One of these things that should never be taken too far is decorating for Christmas. It’s one thing to assemble an extravagant light show that will throw your neighbors into an epileptic fit. I’m all for that, that sounds hypnotizingly delicious. But it’s a completely different story to assemble the Island of Misfit Christmas Blow-Up Dolls on your front lawn. Especially when you’re building the Island as if it were Noah’s Ark. Take a quick look, there’s at least two of every creature on this lawn. Two Whinnie the Poohs, two Tiggers, nine hundred Nutcrackers. Spongebob and the Grinch can be grouped together because what the fuck are they anyway?
You thought they were done? No way. The front lawn’s not enough, let’s move it on to the side lawn! Because no Christmas is complete without Bart Simpson…sitting on blocks? Notice how the candy cane fence ropes off the Misfits from the outside world. Can you imagine the conversation that took place in this household leading up to the construction of the Island? “Jim, you better build me a candy cane fence to keep those monsters out there away from my babies!” Good call on that though. I give it a couple days before the neighborhood Satanists come in and shove those candlesticks up Frosty the Snowman’s fluffy, white ass.
This holiday season, please learn to practice moderation. If you really need to show off your blow-up dolls, maybe put like two or three on display. The rest should be kept for your own personal enjoyment, tucked away in your bedroom somewhere.