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A Safety Guide for Everyday Life

People make decisions everyday. Some people choose safety. These are the smart ones. These are the ones that live long, wonderful lives. Did I mention they’re rich? Then we have the Satan spawn, the danger mongers. The “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” assholes. These are the people that fuck around with danger and then have the balls to ask it on a second date. They wind up in jail. Or bloody. Or DEAD. Do you want to die?

These are a few examples of ways to practice safety and avoid danger.

DON’T TRUST THAT GOD DAMN WEATHER MAN
His forecast is fulla shit! Trust Grampy! He’s never lied to you before, has he Scout? Stay dry all the time, like me! Ya see! My skin is flaking off as we speak!

HOT FACIALS
Don’t blow fireballs, blow kisses! Stay away from the steamy, gooey mess of the burn victim’s unit and live to spit another day.

IT’S ALWAYS GAME TIME
Keep that helmet on. You’re never out of the game! What’s that? Coach is talking to you through a magical ear piece? Spring into action and wrap danger up for a big safety! Safety spankings for the whole team!

DON’T BECOME CREEPY UNDERWEAR MAN
You say it’s just a one time thing. Just today, you’re going to go down to the park in your underwear. Never again, just this one time. But once you get there, the sunlight reflecting off of your shiny, satin bikini briefs changes your life. Every waking hour goes into becoming Creepy Underwear Man. Different colors, different textures, different glitter-to-fabric ratios. Underwear to family dinners. Underwear to work. You never went to the library before, but fuck it, underwear to the library too.

There is an important lesson buried somewhere in this sacred text. Only those that continue to practice safety will recognize this lesson. Always remember, safety first.

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Categories: Humor Tags: , , , ,
  1. November 9, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    I never thought a safety lesson could be so funny … lol

    • November 9, 2011 at 2:45 pm

      Thank you. But let’s hope that everyone realizes that safety is no laughing matter.

  2. November 9, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Ha ha ha but the creepy underwear man is soooooooo far!!
    Come on admit it!

    • November 9, 2011 at 7:07 pm

      What do you mean by far? He does seem like a great man, I’ll admit to that much.

  3. November 11, 2011 at 12:45 am

    HAHA this is freaking hilarious! You had be laughing from the get go! Love the post!

    Oh man, you’ve got me in tears.

    🙂

    uponatlas.

    • November 11, 2011 at 7:33 am

      Thank you, I really appreciate that. Hopefully this well help you to avoid danger. Be sure to tell all your family and friends about ways you can practice safety and how dangerous danger is. Everyone has the right to live in safety.

  4. November 11, 2011 at 9:50 am

    “You never went to the library before, but fuck it, underwear to the library too.”
    You rock.

    • November 11, 2011 at 11:06 am

      Thank you. It’s nice to have you back around here, you’ve been missed.

      • November 11, 2011 at 11:31 am

        O my God! You remember me!
        You’ve been missed, too. I hope to start reading your blog & a few others’ regularly, and start publishing again… I already had a ‘Coming back’ post, and I’m working on another one.

      • November 11, 2011 at 12:50 pm

        Of course I do! I will have to check that out, hope you stick around for a while.

  5. Omawarisansblog
    November 17, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Underwear man can never be helmet man because the helmet obscures whose junk that is in the underwear.

    • November 17, 2011 at 11:55 am

      Exactly. Helmet Man is far too safety conscious to ever become Underwear Man.

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