A Safety Guide for Everyday Life
People make decisions everyday. Some people choose safety. These are the smart ones. These are the ones that live long, wonderful lives. Did I mention they’re rich? Then we have the Satan spawn, the danger mongers. The “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” assholes. These are the people that fuck around with danger and then have the balls to ask it on a second date. They wind up in jail. Or bloody. Or DEAD. Do you want to die?
These are a few examples of ways to practice safety and avoid danger.
DON’T TRUST THAT GOD DAMN WEATHER MAN
His forecast is fulla shit! Trust Grampy! He’s never lied to you before, has he Scout? Stay dry all the time, like me! Ya see! My skin is flaking off as we speak!
IT’S ALWAYS GAME TIME
Keep that helmet on. You’re never out of the game! What’s that? Coach is talking to you through a magical ear piece? Spring into action and wrap danger up for a big safety! Safety spankings for the whole team!
DON’T BECOME CREEPY UNDERWEAR MAN
You say it’s just a one time thing. Just today, you’re going to go down to the park in your underwear. Never again, just this one time. But once you get there, the sunlight reflecting off of your shiny, satin bikini briefs changes your life. Every waking hour goes into becoming Creepy Underwear Man. Different colors, different textures, different glitter-to-fabric ratios. Underwear to family dinners. Underwear to work. You never went to the library before, but fuck it, underwear to the library too.
There is an important lesson buried somewhere in this sacred text. Only those that continue to practice safety will recognize this lesson. Always remember, safety first.