Three contestants. The world’s most ineligible bachelor. Only one will win my love. Or, I’ll secretly date all three of them.
I’ve been trying to hunt down love for too long. Enough is enough. It’s time for a reality dating show. The chase for love is officially on! This is Jasing Love.
All three contestants were selected based on their personal ads alone. Unheard of levels of mystery and suspense that have never been seen on a dating show! What will they look like? I won’t know until the first date and it’s totally weirding me out.
CONTESTANT ONE: Haircuts, 22
I ring her doorbell and fondle my hair. “How’s about one of them sexy haircuts?” She invites me in. She sits me down in a chair and wraps me in my magnificent hair cape. She struts to her radio and turns it on, letting out a giggle that I’m actually extremely irritated by. The hottest funk track I’ve ever heard starts to play as the haircut begins. The singer whispers “sexy.”
I could get used to this! A haircut everyday until the very last hair on my body has been sexily cut. It doesn’t take me long to notice that there actually isn’t anything sexy about the haircut, though. In fact, it seems exactly like any haircut I’ve ever gotten, just louder.
She shows me the finished product. I look like Kevin Federline with a pony-tail! I’m freaking out when she starts to talk.
“Sexy haircut! You look just like my boyfriend!”
I pay her the forty-five dollars I owe her for the haircut and get the hell out of there.
CONTESTANT TWO: Grandmother Kiss, Old
This date starts at a restaurant. The classiest Burger King in town. Picking her out of the crowd of seniors there is harder than a game of Where’s Waldo. They’re all wearing the same outfit.
I track down my lover coming out of the bathroom. Our conversation gets intense immediately.
“I just want to be wild! I want to be free!” she tells me.
I knew I was in love instantly. She gives me a super hard grandma kiss and I start to daydream. Images of things we’ve never done together start to play over a song so beautiful, it’s a crime to call it by name. She takes off from our table and launches an all-out peck offensive on the helpless restaurant. Kiss bombs falling from the sky, blowing up tables left and right. Somehow through the chaos, I make my way to a floral display next to the soft drink dispensers. I pluck out a single plastic flower and hand it to m’lady. The weird thing is, she doesn’t even realize she’s on a dating show. She just thinks I’m being romantic. She’s safe. For now.
CONTESTANT THREE: Business Sexual, 28
“Very professional to meet you,” I say as I hit her with the firm handshake/business card combo. She’s wearing a business suit with business stockings and business glasses.
We sit face to face as if it were a job interview. She presents her figures. Only three hundred for that!?
“I think the chase is over,” I say in my emotional confessional scene.
The Jasing Love logo flashes on the screen as my name invades the credits.
NEXT WEEK ON JASING LOVE!
Is Grandmother Kiss pregnant? Business Sexual shares her LinkedIn account! Jason posts underwear pics on Facebook! Sexy haircuts for the whole cast and crew! Three way or prison brawl? Is Jason an asshole!?
A big thank you and shout out to @FreakArms for coming through again with an awesome logo. Follow him on Twitter already!
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