Home > Comedy, Funny, Humor, Jason's Life > Conspiracy Theorists Convinced That Conspiracy is a Conspiracy

Conspiracy Theorists Convinced That Conspiracy is a Conspiracy

A group of middle-aged, skullet wearing men gathered outside of city hall late last week.  Holding signs that featured the phrase “Truth?” and the Illuminati eye, everything seemed completely rational and important.  As the crowd displayed a total lack of organizational skills and screamed a bunch of different words completely out of unison, I could sense the chaos in the air.

I needed to be a part of this revolutionary moment.

The first man I approached at the protest was a certified AARP member.  He, like all of the other men gathered here on this mysterious day, had a skullet.  But his was slightly more unkempt and sparkled like the eye of the Unicorn.  He was wearing a tie-dyed Grateful Dead/Illuminati combo t-shirt.  I could smell the anger in his breath.

“Who do you work for!?” he screamed at me as his mustache flapped in the wind.

“Jason.”

“He’s implanted with a computer chip!” he screamed to Jesse Ventura’s seventeen long-lost, identical twins.

I was able to diffuse the situation with my extensive knowledge of cryptozoology.  Within seconds, I had him talking about the rally.

“We don’t even believe what they’re making us believe.  And what they’re making us believe isn’t even what really happened!”  For a moment, he realized that he was, in fact, a lunatic.  “The conspiracy is a conspiracy!  It’s not real!  They’re making us believe it!”

I needed to know how the government was pulling off such an extravagant stunt.

“Come with me to our clubhouse!” he sprinted five feet down the sidewalk and stopped, out of breath.  “There is no clubhouse, that’s a conspiracy too!”

I made the mistake of asking him the group’s intentions.  My ears almost threw up hot wax.

“Look above you, it’s in the chem-trails.  They’re hypnotizing us!  Roswell, DNA, computer chips, missing socks. The Illuminati owns your urine!  They own everything!  Why do they want us to believe this?  I’ll tell you how they’re doing it!  Airplanes that fly!  Radio waves!  Nuclear reactors!  The board game Battleship!” he was almost crying. “They implanted a computer chip in our brains when we were sleeping!  They’re controlling our thoughts!”

Chem trails!?!

I asked him what conspiracy they were being forced to believe.

“Exactly!  That’s all part of the conspiracy!” he squealed.

Ok?  It didn’t look like I’d be getting an answer.  I pressed harder.

“We all want answers god damn it!  Why does NASCAR exist?  How do magicians do their tricks?  How does Little Caesars make a whole damn pizza in five minutes!?  I don’t want this in my brain!  Can’t you see what they’re doing to us!?”

I looked high and low.  I didn’t see anything.  Just as I told him that he’d be alone for the rest of his life, the police showed up.

“The movement can’t be silenced!” screamed a mustache as I tiptoed away.

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  1. Ryan
    October 5, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    i was gona comment on the article but then realized my own writings were a conspiracy!

    • October 6, 2011 at 12:04 am

      You knew about this before it was posted, didn’t you? Sounds like a conspiracy to me!

  2. October 6, 2011 at 10:01 am

    funny stuff.. Nice work..
    For a moment, he realized that he was, in fact, a lunatic.
    good morning laugh

    • October 6, 2011 at 11:47 am

      Thanks a lot, Rich. I really appreciate it. I take back every mean thing I’ve ever said about you. That is, unless this comment is a conspiracy.

  3. October 6, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    It all makes sense now! JFK was shot by Amelia Earhart on orders from Adolf Hitler, whose secret identity was Walt Disney. And Walt, as everyone knows, was the twelfth generation grandmaster of the Knights Templar, who started the Republican party and oddly enough went under the alias of Kyle Kyle as the bassist of the 80’s band Bang Tango. Also, I am forty eight percent sure that Adolf Kyle Disney and his partner Santa Claus were the ones who crashed their sled/UFO in Roswell while attempting to hide the arc of the covenant. There is a muffler but there is no muffler.

    • October 6, 2011 at 6:10 pm

      First official comment of the century nomination. Well done! Thank you for tying all of these together for me. I knew there was a link, I just couldn’t connect all the dots. It all makes sense now. See you at the next rally?

  4. October 6, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    Did you see my mother at the rally? She’s the elderly lady wearing walking shorts, a blouse and paisley knee high socks while talking rationally about raccoons which is her code name for UFOs. She calls them raccoons so that no one will think she is crazy.
    *sigh*

    • October 6, 2011 at 10:03 pm

      That does sound familiar. What makes it stick out to me is the paisley socks. I remember adding them to my must buy immediately list. Having a code name for UFOs just makes her a cautious conspiracy theorist. I admire her covert operations.

  5. October 7, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    Conspiracy theorists are great. Some guy told me that Barack Obama’s real name was Barry and that he was out to kill him. He had business cards so he could be right.

    • October 7, 2011 at 8:19 pm

      Once you have business cards, you’re official. You’re extremely hard to doubt at that point.

  6. October 9, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    They make the pizza in five minutes and for only FIVE dollars. It makes no sense.

    And on top of that, what about planned obsolescence? Maybe not in relation to pizzas but light bulbs?

    We are being lied to.

    D

    • October 10, 2011 at 10:41 am

      There are too many questionable factors surrounding the Little Caesars pizza phenomenon for no questions to be asked. We need answers now! As for planned obsolescence, the concept gets me much more enraged when it’s applied to things like pizza. Why can’t we have unlimited pizza? That is the key to world peace.

  7. October 11, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    What about the Little Caesar’s guy who stands on a corner, dancing like a fool, to advertise that $5/5 minute pizza? Come to my non-existent/conspiratorial clubhouse and I’ll show you his role in all this. If he exists at all.

    Oh boy. Can you imagine living like that?

    • October 11, 2011 at 6:00 pm

      Something tells me he plays an extremely important role in our everyday lives and we are blind to his influence. Awareness on issues like these need to be promoted. I think most people that are convinced that everything is a conspiracy need some kind of help. Severe trust issues there coupled with a touch of delusion. It’s definitely fun to get wrapped up in sometimes and I’m not saying I’ve never second guessed a certain event or instance but some people just take it way too far.

  8. December 8, 2011 at 11:54 am

    “I needed to know how the government was pulling off such an extravagant stunt.”

    I nearly peed my pants reading this… Oh thank you Jason- I may spend a whole day reading and laughing, as a gift to myself.

    • December 8, 2011 at 12:57 pm

      The pee that almost leaked out was part of a conspiracy that your bladder had planned to ruin your favorite pants. Beware, there’s conspiracies all around us.

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