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Jason’s Daycare

September 26, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

Are your kids bugging the shit out of you?  Well, they’re probably going to bug the shit out of me too.  But I could use a few extra bucks.

So bring them down to Jason’s Daycare!  But you better change those nasty little diapers first.  The only dumps that I want to get intimate with are my own personal masterpieces.

Ultimate monster mega-shoutout to @FreakArms for the amazing Jason's Daycare logo that we all know I'm incapable of making. Go follow him on Twitter and check out the other cool shit he makes!

While you’re “working,” I’ll be teaching your kids about biting and pulling hair.  Real tough guy shit.  Learning how to fight like a man is the most important lesson your little pisspots will learn in their formative years, guaranteed!  Mix in some hand to hand combat and voila!  We’ve got a UFC fighter in the making!  And what parent doesn’t want to see their kid in a bloody fight?

We aren’t recommended by anyone and we sure as hell aren’t licensed but who reads the small print?  Your kids are going to hate it!  Isn’t that exactly what you want?  While you’re out drowning yourself at “professional happy hour,” your kids are drowning in their tears in the time out corner!  And the fun doesn’t stop there!

Here's one of my assistants playing one of the center's favorite games--The Michael Jackson Dangling Blanket Off Of The Balcony Game!

We run with scissors!  We schedule weekly fights!  We even take your kids out on weekly field trips!  What other daycare is willing to drag your brat along to the strip club?

Do you love your kids?  Are you sure?  I don’t believe you, you haven’t abandoned them with me yet!

Daily spelling and grammar lessons get your kids ready for the real world.  But we won’t be teaching them words like dog and cat.  No, we’re prepping them for life on the wrong side of the playground!  They’ll learn how to talk their way out of a gum deal gone wrong or how to make that little slob that’s hogging the monkey bars cry.

Here's one of my assistants walking your little brat like the animal they are!

Don’t bother packing them a snack.  We’ll take care of that!  Fifty pounds of donuts, all the soda poppy cola you can drink and our chocolate candy mountain will fill your kids up with enough hyperactive fuel to supply their one-man mission to the moon!  Healthy snacks?  What kind of pussy parents feed their kids that?  We’re going to make your dentist a millionaire!

Winner of over seventy prestigious academic awards including the Severely Stunting Your Child’s Growth Award!  With praise like “stay away at all costs,” coming from parents of our former students, how can you go wrong?  What kind of silly question is that, goofball?  Ya can’t!

So bring your kids down to Jason’s Daycare!  We promise nothing but the best, worst childcare in town!  Come on, I’m broke!

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Follow @FreakArms on Twitter (why can’t you put links in captions?)

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  1. kimberlystojakovic
    September 26, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    uhh…. do you take checks? Lmfao…

    • September 27, 2011 at 7:01 am

      Yeah sure, I’ll take anything. Just be sure to leave the check blank in case any adjustments to our negotiated price need to be made.

  2. September 27, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Can I check myself in at this day care?

    • September 27, 2011 at 1:27 pm

      Yes, of course. There’s no age limit. I’ll just need you to sign a waiver that more or less says I can’t be held responsible for anything that goes wrong.

  3. September 27, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Can you watch my dog?

    • September 27, 2011 at 5:46 pm

      Gladly. But I have to warn you, I charge triple for pets.

  4. September 27, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    I think a few of my son’s friends are Jason’s Daycare alumni. It explains a lot.

    • September 27, 2011 at 9:59 pm

      Sound like stand-up kids to me.

  5. September 27, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    I question your fighting credentials. I will not be sending my kid to a sub-bar mixed martial arts day care.

    • September 27, 2011 at 9:56 pm

      We have explosions in our logo. I think that should assure any doubts that you might have.

  6. September 29, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    Slogan for Jason’s Daycare: “When you don’t give a crap what happens to your kids from 9 to 5”

    • September 29, 2011 at 3:13 pm

      That’s kind of our unspoken slogan. How can I trick parents into dropping their kids off with me if I just come right out and say that. Well actually, my ad pretty much does say that. That could explain my lack of customers as of late.

  7. khellriegel
    January 18, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    I’m truly appalled at your blog….frankly ashamed that I didn’t find it sooner. What a fool I have been to waste my time watching my own kids when they could have been with you. I missed the opportunity to have someone educate them with the finer points of hand to hand combat (I totally love the explosions…that is what sold me on your daycare).

    I just hope the donuts are “day old”. I hate them to get spoiled with fresh donuts.

    Oh, I assume you take welfare checks signed by a third party?
    http://khellriegel.wordpress.com/2012/01/18/when-should-you-kill-christmas/

    • January 18, 2012 at 10:28 pm

      I would even take IOU’s. I’ll tell you what. If you pick me up a Whopper, we’re good.

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