Home > Comedy, Funny, Humor, Jason's Pop Culture Corner > Game Show Network Lays it All on the Line

Game Show Network Lays it All on the Line

September 17, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

The Game Show Network has fallen on tough times. After losing their lone viewer, eighty-nine year old Dorcas Shvebalski, during their eight millionth rerun of Supermarket Sweep, the network realized it was time to head in another direction.

The network, which has tried several other marketing gimmicks in the past, views this last push as a last chance for survival.

“I ain’t watch dat show in two monts,” said Dotty Dobledopper, the network’s second last viewer who admits to giving up on the channel. “I got dem, uhh DVDs dey call ’em, now.”

I attended a press conference to ask some tough questions about the future of GSN. I wanted to know what they would do to preserve the memory of Dorcas. How will this station go forward with 0 viewers? Has America quit on the game show? Shouldn’t game show be one word? Will you still show reruns of Supermarket Sweep?

It turns out the press conference that I was in attendance for had absolutely nothing to do with the Game Show Network. BUT(!), I was able to get my hands on a programming brochure for the network’s upcoming Friday Night Game Night. Being described as “fun for the whole family,” and “the revolutionary force in the game show war,” if this new block of programming doesn’t save the Game Show Network, nothing will.

Here is the prospective lineup for Friday Night Game Night that I pulled directly from the programming brochure:

The Long Division Showdown, 7: 30 PM
From the masterminds that brought the world the Math Olympics comes this riveting math-hour of fun! Watch as these mathoholics divide everything in their path and won’t stop until the very last digit is downed!

How Much Can You Poop?, 8:00 PM
Push! Push harder! Nope, this ain’t labor! It’s poop! Brought in from all corners of the world, the world’s most successful competitive poopers compete on the most prestigious toilet of all, The Golden Throne.

The Newlydead Game, 8:30 PM
Our infrared cameras pick up 100 year-old lovers reuniting on the other side and test their knowledge of their newlydead significant other. Do they prefer worms or maggots to devour them? Padded or firm caskets? A true test of undead love.

The 4,000 Cigarette Challenge, 9:00 PM
Smoking is cool. Contests are cool. How’s about a smoking contest? Do your lungs have what it takes? PROVE IT! We aren’t fuckin’ around here! Either smoke ’em, or GET SMOKED! The first to smoke 4,000 gets sent home with 4,000 more! But nobody goes home empty lunged. Whether it’s a tumor or a man chest filled with smoke power, you’ll never forget us!

Is it Juice or Poison?

Poison or Juice?, 9:30 PM
Plug your nose and close your eyes, hope it’s juice or you might die! A wacky hour of suspenseful fun as taste buds find themselves on a final tour de force of chance and mystery. Don’t drink the wrong one or it could be your last!

Can You Survive This Gunshot?, 10:30 PM
Every American wonders if they have what it takes to live through a blast to the head. Come find out the hard way! We’ve got some real bang bang guys; former snipers and SWAT team members ready to load and then reload all over your lifeless body. Will you pussy out? Get up!

There are plenty of critics laughing off Friday Night Game Night. I’m not one of them. Here’s to decades of success for GSN.

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  1. September 17, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Hilarious! If these shows aren’t real … then they should be and watch the ratings soar!

    • September 17, 2011 at 4:51 pm

      I’d be a GSN regular if so. I’m open to selling these show ideas to them.

  2. September 17, 2011 at 11:50 pm

    I would be awesome at Poison or Juice. Where do I sign up?

    • September 17, 2011 at 11:54 pm

      Once the lineup is officially announced by the Game Show Network, I’m sure you’ll be able to sign up online.

  3. September 17, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    shhhh…don’t tell anyone but I actually watched Lingo the other day. It was an accident..I swear…one moment I was mocking people on House Hunters and the next minute I was yelling at people who couldn’t figure out that _LOUD was cloud, for the love of god where do they find people that don’t know the word “cloud”! It was traumatic.

    • September 17, 2011 at 11:55 pm

      People on game shows allllways get me worked up. Even on Wheel of Fortune, how can’t they figure out the puzzle when one letter is missing? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Give people like us a chance on these game shows.

  4. September 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    If the Golf Channel can survive then there’s hope for the game show channel.

    • September 18, 2011 at 6:08 pm

      Exactly. Friday Night Game Night will help this station pull through. I’m confident.

  5. September 18, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    Hidden camera style game show: Offer to pay a cashier 10k if he gets the last word in 100 transactions in a row. “Have a nice day” “You too” “I sure will!” etc. Customer 71 comes along, and unbeknownst to each other, he has been given a similar challenge.

    • September 18, 2011 at 10:38 pm

      I think you’re on to something here. As a former cashier, I’d totally be up for this challenge.

  6. REBECCA DAWN
    September 18, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    i would definitely watch the Can You Survive This Gunshot. Maybe cuz Im morbid or something, but that is funny. Its not as bad as those other reality shows out there.

    • September 18, 2011 at 11:55 pm

      I think that show would be a huge hit ratings-wise. I think most people really are curious about whether or not they’d be able to survive a gunshot so the show would never run out of new contestants.

  7. Ryan
    September 21, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    the LDS makes my head hurt thinking about it, but the 4,000 cig challenge…im in.

    • September 21, 2011 at 11:05 pm

      I have confidence in you. You wouldn’t get smoked at all, you’d smoke the fuck out of those 4,000 cigs. Keep an eye out for contestant registration once it opens up!

  8. September 28, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    How about Who Wants To Marry An Illegal Immigrant So They Can Get A Green Card?

    • September 28, 2011 at 10:50 pm

      That would definitely work. Trying to imagine the contestants on that show excites me.

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