Game Show Network Lays it All on the Line
The Game Show Network has fallen on tough times. After losing their lone viewer, eighty-nine year old Dorcas Shvebalski, during their eight millionth rerun of Supermarket Sweep, the network realized it was time to head in another direction.
The network, which has tried several other marketing gimmicks in the past, views this last push as a last chance for survival.
“I ain’t watch dat show in two monts,” said Dotty Dobledopper, the network’s second last viewer who admits to giving up on the channel. “I got dem, uhh DVDs dey call ’em, now.”
I attended a press conference to ask some tough questions about the future of GSN. I wanted to know what they would do to preserve the memory of Dorcas. How will this station go forward with 0 viewers? Has America quit on the game show? Shouldn’t game show be one word? Will you still show reruns of Supermarket Sweep?
It turns out the press conference that I was in attendance for had absolutely nothing to do with the Game Show Network. BUT(!), I was able to get my hands on a programming brochure for the network’s upcoming Friday Night Game Night. Being described as “fun for the whole family,” and “the revolutionary force in the game show war,” if this new block of programming doesn’t save the Game Show Network, nothing will.
Here is the prospective lineup for Friday Night Game Night that I pulled directly from the programming brochure:
The Long Division Showdown, 7: 30 PM
From the masterminds that brought the world the Math Olympics comes this riveting math-hour of fun! Watch as these mathoholics divide everything in their path and won’t stop until the very last digit is downed!
How Much Can You Poop?, 8:00 PM
Push! Push harder! Nope, this ain’t labor! It’s poop! Brought in from all corners of the world, the world’s most successful competitive poopers compete on the most prestigious toilet of all, The Golden Throne.
The Newlydead Game, 8:30 PM
Our infrared cameras pick up 100 year-old lovers reuniting on the other side and test their knowledge of their newlydead significant other. Do they prefer worms or maggots to devour them? Padded or firm caskets? A true test of undead love.
The 4,000 Cigarette Challenge, 9:00 PM
Smoking is cool. Contests are cool. How’s about a smoking contest? Do your lungs have what it takes? PROVE IT! We aren’t fuckin’ around here! Either smoke ’em, or GET SMOKED! The first to smoke 4,000 gets sent home with 4,000 more! But nobody goes home empty lunged. Whether it’s a tumor or a man chest filled with smoke power, you’ll never forget us!
Poison or Juice?, 9:30 PM
Plug your nose and close your eyes, hope it’s juice or you might die! A wacky hour of suspenseful fun as taste buds find themselves on a final tour de force of chance and mystery. Don’t drink the wrong one or it could be your last!
Can You Survive This Gunshot?, 10:30 PM
Every American wonders if they have what it takes to live through a blast to the head. Come find out the hard way! We’ve got some real bang bang guys; former snipers and SWAT team members ready to load and then reload all over your lifeless body. Will you pussy out? Get up!
There are plenty of critics laughing off Friday Night Game Night. I’m not one of them. Here’s to decades of success for GSN.
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