Maroon 5 Excited to Finally be Considered Hip
Sources nowhere near the Maroon 5 camp are reporting tonight that the group is elated with the wide-reaching success of their new single “Moves Like Jagger.” After spending years exclusively on adult contemporary stations, the group is in disbelief that there might actually be a twenty-something year old out there humming one of their songs.
What has changed for the group? Several music outsiders (the insiders were too expensive) told me they “put a dance beat on it,” and “did all that keyboardy shit.” This reportedly helps to “get the club bangin’!”
My imaginary source tells me that the group can’t believe that there’s even a slight possibility that they could make the club bang.
“Up until ‘Moves Like Jagger,’ the only thing the boys could get banging was the women’s department at Macy’s.”
The group, looking to expand from their core audience of dorky moms, decided on a more cutting edge approach to reach a wider fan base. The only problem was believability. The world’s biggest geek singing a song rife with sexual innuendos seemed like a reach.
“We needed to get more cutting edge,” said a homeless man pretending to be Maroon 5’s manager late Monday night. “I told Addy (Adam Levine) to get some tattoos and take his shirt off. I give him the credit, he did it. I never said he didn’t cry, but he did it nonetheless.”
In early shoots of the video, band members thought the new cutting edge image seemed a little forced.
“Since when does Levine have fucking tattoos?” asked the drummer of a local Van Halen cover band. “What a poser!”
That’s when the idea to bring in someone with knowledge of both Jagger and Levine’s “moves” came up.
“We needed someone that had firsthand working experience with both of these guys,” said the homeless guy. “We knew there was one person out there that had it for sure. That’s when we decided to call Christina (Aguilera).”
With an experienced Dirrty girl in Aguilera on hand to vouch for Levine’s “moves,” any questions went out the window.
“I’m Adam Levine and I know how to do sex!” said an Adam Levine lookalike at the mall after I asked him to repeat after me.
What’s next for the boys of Maroon 5? That’s easy, says one music outsider.
“Well, they got the moms. They got the kids and the clubs. The dads!”
Be on the lookout for an 80’s hair metal album from the boys of Maroon 5 next fall!
For those that are not familiar with this group, song or video, here it is. (I’m very sorry)