Ron’s Magical Talks
Judge me. The other day I decided to watch Jersey Shore. I was bored, it was on, I was intrigued. The title of the episode was “Fist Pumps, Pushups, Chapstick,” but MTV clearly got it wrong. The episode should have been titled Ron’s Magical Talks.
In this episode, the intellectual cornerstone of the show, Ron, had a real coming out party. Every time there was trouble, there was Ron. Calm, soothing, insightful, beautiful Ron. The inspiration of conversation, Ron.
If you recall correctly, and I’m sure you do, the last couple episodes featured Ron showing his other side–dark, murderous, mysterious and angry. But Ron throws all of that out the window in the opening scene. The Situation, Ron’s sworn enemy heading into the episode, is suicidal. He’s on the brink. He wants to go home! He just needs someone to talk to. Guess who shows up.
Duh, it’s Ron. As Ron massages The Situation’s neck brace, they realize that they need to be friends again. Ron assures Mike (The Situation’s nickname for those that didn’t know) that he “knows more than anyone else.” Seconds later, Ron is summoned by scientists from around the world to help build a time machine.
The meeting with the scientists isn’t shown and Ron springs into action within seconds of the conclusion of his first talk.
After Ron overhears Snooki fighting with her boyfriend on the phone, he chases her to his makeshift psychiatrist office. Ron mutters something about someone “sucking Nutella off of my toes,” and Snooki tells him he’s right. Magical advice indeed.
Somehow, five minutes goes by before Ron has another talk. I’m not sure what MTV was thinking allowing so much time between talks. But this one was big.
After Vinny and Pauly go through a huge identity crisis and dress up as “The Ultimate Guidos,” Ron gets upset. He sits them down and tells them that they don’t need to dress up in costumes to feel good about themselves. They’re great guys, gosh darn it! As Ron sings them a lullaby, the three guys cry together and realize that they just have to be themselves. Alright, unfortunately this talk never happened. But imagine what it would have done for the ratings if it did!
Finally, Ron gets another chance to shine. He seeks out Sam, his long-time scream-partner, and offers up a magical talk. She accepts his offer.
Sam tells Ron he’s committed the ultimate sin of bringing another girl’s phone number into the house. Ron starts to sing her an R&B song in which he apologizes and tells her that she’s all he thinks about. Everything is fucking magical, but suddenly the magic is interrupted!
Vinny walks in! Vinny starts to sing a verse from an R&B song that he happened to write for the two of them and, suddenly, we’re in the middle of a menage-a-Ron three-way magical talk! All three of them fall in love and enter into a three way relationship. In a confessional scene, Sam announces that Ron has “spoken differently” tonight. Sam also recognizes the power of Ron’s magical talks.
The directors, clearly sensing the power of Ron’s talks, quickly cut to another Ron-talk scene. But with this one, they’ve decided to take some risks.
They’ve taken Ron out of his element! After wheeling suitcases around town with Jwoww, Ron sits down for a magical talk outside of the confines of his comfort zone in his psychiatrist office. Thankfully, it works. Ron tells Jwoww how worried he is about “Shnooki’s” relationship. Ron knows that he can help, as he is “the master of love and all that is real.” Jwoww replies “boobs, Roger, boobs.”
Ron heads home and shockingly reveals the source of his new found, magical speaking ability.
Over the sound of his razor, Ron is somehow able to sense danger. It’s Snooki. She’s on the phone and fighting with her boyfriend again. Ron springs into action. “Yo Shnooki! I’m bout to save you!” he yells as he leaps over a couch. He runs into the room and grabs the phone from Snooki in an attempt to save her relationship.
“Bro, bro, bro, bro,” Ron says magically. Unfortunately for the universe, Snooki’s boyfriend Jynonny wants nothing to do with Ron’s magic. Ron can’t believe that someone would pass up his magical advice and speaks philosophically to the other roommates about how much of a dick this kid is. Meanwhile, Snooki hangs up and starts to cry. Ron knows this is his cue.
Meanwhile, Snooki’s twin sister Dino decides to invite her boyfriend, who just so happens to be Balky from Perfect Strangers, to the house. When Dino knocks over a glass and sits down in the shards, she decides that Balky needs to go home. Ron comes in and…wait, what?! No Ron magical talk?! I feel cheated!
The episode closes out with Ron going out with all of the girls in the house except for Snooki. They explain to him that he is accepted among them now because of his great advice and talking abilities. The roommates conspire together to rescue Snooki from the evils of her boyfriend. Ron promises that he will do whatever it takes to save the world, errr house, from this evil.
(All images used here are credited to MTV and their Jersey Shore program)