Ask Jason: Dr. Jason’s Diagnosis
Here’s an extremely important question for you:
Don’t you want to help Donald!? He’s probably so cold without his troosers!
Q: HAVE YOU SEEN CRAYON?
A: Where do I start? It’s brilliant questions like these that always throw me for a loop. How can I satisfy my readers when answering something like this? Questions like these can’t be answered in short answer columns. No, an answer to something like this only comes after years and years of testing in a laboratory. I am trying my best to compile scientific data and a mathematical theorem in the short time that I have to answer your question. Please remember that my margin of error in this particular experiment will be remarkably high.
On a side note, yes, I’ve seen crayon. And it’s WONDERFUL!
Q: Jason, what do you think about old phone numbers?
Signed, Paul Scholls
A: I think old phone numbers are a lot more important than most people realize. For one, they can serve as an important memory exercise test. If you’re a mega-genius like me, you can remember every phone number you’ve ever had, along with every license plate, home address and pants size you’ve ever worn.
Also, think of all the cryptic messages hidden inside your phone number. For example, there’s three sixes in mine. Does that mean I’m cursed? Is my family going to have to throw an exorcism party for me? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!?!
Q: Dr. Jason, what’s wrong with my tum tum?
Signed, Five Year-Old Crybabies Everywhere
A: Well, here’s an idea. Maybe if you’d stop eating six bags of chips and five donuts every day, your tum tum would feel just fine! Don’t you know that will stunt your growth!? Be a big boy and stop whining about it. Next time you can’t keep down your twenty-ninth Reese cup, I don’t want you to come crying to Dr. Jason. Throw it up and handle it like a big boy. Do you understand me!?
Our friend over at the purpledogpaintingblog spoke with a detective named Google and was able to find some leads for us regarding the identity and whereabouts of Mr. Joey Cookies. Detective Google was able pinpoint three possible locations that Mr. Cookies may be hiding out in. We are currently looking into reports that he is either operating a bakery in New Jersey or a restaurant in Hong Kong. Another anonymous tipper suggested that Mr. Cookies may be Waldo in disguise. An interesting possibility if you’re familiar with my history with Waldo. I still need your help. Who is Joey Cookies and how did his picture turn up on my computer!?
Have any important questions you’d like to ask me? Something that will change your life? Then leave me a comment, send me an e-mail or make fun of me on Twitter. I will try my hardest not to fuck things up too much for you. Now, save the world by voting for what question you’d like Jason to answer next: