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Job Hunting with Jason

Wow!  The economy sucks, doesn’t it?!  That has been my excuse for not having a job for the last five years.  But my mom has had enough.  She told me that if I didn’t get a job, I couldn’t stay at her house anymore.  So I told her I’d rather be homeless and do it my way than be a bitch boy and sell out to the man.

After two days of camping in the backyard (6,000 marshmallows!!!), I’ve decided to look for a job.  Join me as I apply for some jobs that I find intriguing and find out how to get hired by anyone and get offered millions while doing it.

The first job I applied for, I stumbled upon by accident.  I was in the drive-thru line at my local fat food restaurant when I looked over at the five thousand foot sign in the parking lot.  “Now hirring maintance,” it read.  “Flexable hours,” was the second line.  Now, I have no idea what a “tance” is, but being able to be the main anything sounds baller as fuck.  I spit in my hand and slicked my hair back.  I’m going to become the best Main Tance this town has ever seen!  When I got to the speaker, I didn’t waste any time.

“Welcome to…” said the employee before I cut them off.

“Yes!  HELLO!” I was talking like a robot because I heard that most companies are depending on computers a lot more these days.  “I am here to interview for your main tance position!”

“Excuse me?” I could tell the employee was in love.

“Yes, that’s right!  I want to be your Main Tance!  I’m an experienced tancer, I’ve been tancing for many years for many different supervisors. ”  Between all the beeping horns and lovestruck employees, I was causing a real ruckus in the drive-thru line.  Finally, a manager got on the intercom and told me if I didn’t leave or place an order, he would call the police.  I made a business card out of an old napkin that I found in the car, threw it at the pick-up window and took off.  I’m still waiting for a phone call.

I didn’t think that there were any more jobs out there until one of my friends told me about CraigsImportantList.net.  Within two minutes of visiting the site, I found this:

They clearly had me in mind when creating this posting.

So I sent in some hot picz of doodz that weren’t actually me.  When the guy called me back, I told him my name was John Sex before changing it to Jason later on and talked in a super deep voice to make myself sound even hotter.  Guess what.  I got the job!

I went to my first day of work super pumped.  But my boss didn’t seem as pumped.  He insisted that I wasn’t the same person that was in the pictures that I sent him.  “What?!  Are you kidding me?!  I gained some weight!  Do you want to hear from my lawyers about this?  This is discrimination!”  That totally worked.

We started to do some training.  This consisted of me taking my shirt off, rolling around on the ground and doing squat thrusts.  Every time I heard the camera being snapped, I’d show off my magnificent smile.  “Eeeeeeeee,” I’d say since the only important part about smiling is opening your mouth wide and showing your teeth.  I couldn’t keep myself from laughing though.

“Be more romantic!” my boss would yell.  All that would do was make me giggle.  “Give me some kissy faces!!’ he’d scream at the top of his lungs.  I kept yelling “muah, muah, muah!” but I guess that wasn’t what he was looking for.  He would come over and try and pose my satin underwear-wearing body for me but I would scream “stop tickling me!” in his face.

After a couple of hours, my boss came to talk to me.

“Look, Jason just isn’t a sexy name.  You can’t give me kissy faces, you’re fat and you just keep giggling.  You don’t have a future in this biznass.”  I tried to spit in his face but I missed.  I ran out the front door crying in my newly acquired satin underwear and cried so hard that I threw up next to my car.  Sike.

Here's another job that I tried. Unfortunately, dick heads (including the one that took this picture) would take pictures of me and run away.

Luckily, my mom is finally buying the “this economy is really tough” excuse.  As of today, I’m moved back in and laying around like a poopoo slob more than ever.  But now when she yells at me, I just tell her that I’m laid off and so upset.  It works every time!  Oh yeah, I also talked her into giving me an allowance again.  Looks like I don’t need a job after all!

  1. September 3, 2011 at 11:10 am


    Is there a way I can get in contact with you privately? I wanted to discuss something with you.

    If you could contact me at cornelius.wilson[@]funny[DOT]com.

    Of course remove the “[ ]” and change “DOT” to a “.” Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you.

  2. September 7, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    OMG what a funny twist to job searching! Loved the post.

    • September 7, 2011 at 3:07 pm

      Thank you! Let’s hope I get to get that allowance forever!

  3. September 12, 2011 at 11:01 am

    “Being able to be the ‘main’ anything sounds baller as fuck” haaaa! LIKE!

    • September 12, 2011 at 12:04 pm

      Thank you! Unfortunately, I haven’t seen any more ads for a main tance position. I think I blew my chance.

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