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If I Was a Super Hero

I’m in the middle of a fight.  With a demon.  I use my hallway wall as a springboard and throw my magnificent body at him.  The demon catches me in mid air with his pinky and starts to choke the life out of me.

Suddenly, I wake up and scream.  “What if I were a super hero?!”  All the commotion wakes up my girlfriend who’s clearly terrified.  “What’s going on!?” she asks.

“What if I was a super hero?  I could beat the demon!  I could do whatever I wanted!  I could…”

“Really?  You’re screaming in the middle of the night because you want to be a super hero?”

At this point, I don’t even care.  About anything.  Seriously, what if I was a fucking super hero!?  This isn’t even about beating the demon anymore.  Fuck the demon.  This is about being able to do whatever the hell I want!

He's Super Jason, killin' all the demons. It's Super Jason, hurtin' people's feelins! (Coming next Never to ABC Sunday Morning!)

This might be the most important thing I’ve ever thought about.  What powers would I have?  What would my costume look like?  I’ll tell you one thing.  I wouldn’t wear a cape.  I’d have a tail.  Just think about the shit you could do with a tail instead.  One, you can beat demons with it.  Two, you can strangle demons with it.  Three, it doesn’t get awkwardly wrapped around your no no spots while you’re flying around town like a cape would.  A tail would also be a huge advantage because, well, have you ever seen a human with a tail?  Yeah, neither has Megaclops.

One power that you need to have is the ability to fly.  Without a doubt.  But flying is boring without the sound effects.  So I’d want the ability to make motion-picture quality sound effects.  Then, not only would I be able to hear the most beautiful swooshing noises wherever I went, I’d also sound like the biggest hard ass ever while karate chopping Mouse Boy into a million pieces of squealy little bitch.

What about my weakness?  What would that be?  I can only think of one possibility.  Being haggled by those that know you’re pee shy.  Really, this is secretly the weakness of every single super hero.  Even every measly human.  Think about it.  You’re heading into a big battle with Dangerous Marty and you have to use the bathroom.  Dangerous Marty’s henchmen Tiny Dave and Wonder Hair know that you’re pee shy and follow you to the bathroom door.  You’re never going to be able to pee again.  Plus, you just missed your battle with Martha Danger.

I’m saving my best power for last.  This power is revolutionary.  No one has ever even dreamt of this power.  No super hero has ever had it either.  Trust me, I’m friends with all of them.  I would have the power to be able to diss anyone.  We’re not just talking a your mama joke or calling someone a silly goofball.  No, this would be the ultimate diss.  This diss would make your grandmother throw up, even if she didn’t hear it.  This diss would end any villain’s career.  The diss would be so powerful that there would be a special announcement every time it was used.  Something like ULTIMATE DISS POWER: ACTIVATE!  That way everyone around knew Jason was in town and to keep their mouth shut.  I have a mind boner just thinking about it.

I fall back asleep and kill the demon with a diss about his receding hairline.

  1. August 30, 2011 at 1:58 am

    Why would you want weaknesses? Be a god, dude!

  2. August 30, 2011 at 1:58 am

    The god of awesome!

    • August 30, 2011 at 7:06 am

      I mean, I definitely don’t want weaknesses by any means. I was just trying to be a gentleman and a fair sport. Sure I could say I’d be able to do whatever I wanted, never die and kill everything but that wouldn’t be as fun.

      • August 31, 2011 at 6:54 pm

        Well, you’re not bulletproof, right? That’s weakness enough. Haha.

      • August 31, 2011 at 8:36 pm

        I know. What was I thinking? I went from a super hero to a super zero. That was the lamest thing I’ve said in my lifetime. Thanks for sharing that with me.

  3. August 31, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    The tail would actually enhance your flying. You could use it for minor adjustments or, if you were flying in a city and had to turn a corner you could hook a flag pole or something and whip around the corner. You’d pick up speed in the corner!

    • August 31, 2011 at 8:23 pm

      You’re so right! I didn’t even think of that. Why doesn’t every super hero have a tail? Am I as revolutionary as I’m pretending to be right now?

  4. Robinhood of the Net
    August 31, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    Hey Jason, just heard about you from Rapunzel. Your website was everything that I was told that it was going to be….funny as hell. I can appreciate your style.

    • August 31, 2011 at 11:59 pm

      Thank you, thank you, you’re far too kind. I appreciate you coming by and I’m glad you enjoyed yourself! I look forward to seeing more of you.

  5. Robinhood of the Net
    September 1, 2011 at 12:22 am

    Hey, thanks for the response. I am back.

    You’re right, it’s every man’s dream to have a little tail. Even Superman had a little weakness, and he also had a little tail…Louis Lane.

    See you again soon.

    • September 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

      Yes, every man does dream of getting a little tail. You speak the truth.

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