Ask Jason: Genies and Swamis and Cookies, Oh My!
This week, I have a question for you. Can anyone explain to me what this is all about?
Your help would be greatly appreciated.
Q: Dear Jay, what’s the average top speed of a fully mature male hyperodes weevil?
With care, Brian Durner
A: The master of illusion and confusion! Brian Durner! Trying to confuse me with your grown up language and big boy talk!? Well, I’m a big boy too! Just because I didn’t win the scientist competition doesn’t mean that I can’t understand magic! Right? However, I do claim to have an answer to every question. With that clause in my contract, I must provide you with an answer. On a side note, I will never prepare myself a legally binding contract again.
I think the answer to your question lies deep inside your heart. How much do you believe in the mature male hyperodes weevil? How fast do you wish he could run? Or fly? Or…weevil? You see, there’s an important unknown fact about the fully mature male hyperodes weevil. Genies have evolved from them! The weevil, nature’s genie. Catch one and make your dreams come true! Then wish it to weevil around wildly.
Q: Jason, do you look when you wipe?
Signed, Jubilee Swanson
A: Most answer swamis wouldn’t touch this question with a ten foot roll of toilet paper. Lucky for you, I’m wearing a NO FEAR(!!!!!!) t-shirt today. I’m aware that most of you would love a graphic description of my bathroom rituals but I will spare you this time.
Long story short, yes of course. If you don’t look, you’ll never know if you’re really done. Some people claim to be equipped with the seventh sense of rectal awareness. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people. I will look until the day I die.
Q: Ay-yo, Jase-o! Why do all da girls pose wit dere hand on da hip in all da pictures dey do?
Scribbled, Smart People
A: Brilliantly worded. This is an important issue that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about. The answer is really quite simple. Because it’s fucking glamorous! Who doesn’t want to pose with their hand on their hip like that? All the dudes want you, all the girls are doing the exact same thing as you, and all the studios are writing movies for you. You’re big time. You’ve seen it all. You’ve done it all. You’re wearing a $23,000 pearl necklace that Jacques Cousteau made for you out of hand-plucked pearls and a string from the harp of an angel. You jelly? See you in the Hamptons bitch. They were like, named after me.
I have one last question to ask and this is an important one. Extremely important. I was running through my computer looking for some pictures when I came across this:
Who is that!? How is this picture saved on my computer!? Can I borrow your tie!? I seriously have no idea who this is or where the flaming tie this picture came from. From the few clues I could gather, it appears as if his name is-I’m not kidding-Joey Cookies. Who is Joey Cookies? Do you know this man? If you have any clues or leads regarding the mysterious Joey Cookies or how I ended up with this picture on my hard drive, you should report them to me immediately.
Do you have any questions you’d like me to answer? Do you have any information on Joey Cookies? Well send them to me. I will answer anything. JasonNotImaginary@gmail.com, tweet @YourPalJason or leave a comment here. Now vote on these hot button issues. The winning selection will be featured in the next presidential debate.