Home > Ask Jason, Humor > Ask Jason: Genies and Swamis and Cookies, Oh My!

Ask Jason: Genies and Swamis and Cookies, Oh My!

This week, I have a question for you.  Can anyone explain to me what this is all about?

Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Q: Dear Jay, what’s the average top speed of a fully mature male hyperodes weevil?

With care, Brian Durner

A:  The master of illusion and confusion!  Brian Durner!  Trying to confuse me with your grown up language and big boy talk!?  Well, I’m a big boy too!  Just because I didn’t win the scientist competition doesn’t mean that I can’t understand magic!  Right?  However, I do claim to have an answer to every question.  With that clause in my contract, I must provide you with an answer.  On a side note, I will never prepare myself a legally binding contract again.

I think the answer to your question lies deep inside your heart.  How much do you believe in the mature male hyperodes weevil?  How fast do you wish he could run?  Or fly?  Or…weevil?  You see, there’s an important unknown fact about the fully mature male hyperodes weevil.  Genies have evolved from them!  The weevil, nature’s genie.  Catch one and make your dreams come true!  Then wish it to weevil around wildly.

Q: Jason, do you look when you wipe?

Signed, Jubilee Swanson

A: Most answer swamis wouldn’t touch this question with a ten foot roll of toilet paper.  Lucky for you, I’m wearing a NO FEAR(!!!!!!) t-shirt today.  I’m aware that most of you would love a graphic description of my bathroom rituals but I will spare you this time.

Long story short, yes of course.  If you don’t look, you’ll never know if you’re really done.  Some people claim to be equipped with the seventh sense of rectal awareness.  Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people.  I will look until the day I die.

I guess I'm not the only one looking when I wipe.

Q:  Ay-yo, Jase-o!  Why do all da girls pose wit dere hand on da hip in all da pictures dey do?

Scribbled, Smart People

A: Brilliantly worded.  This is an important issue that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about.  The answer is really quite simple.  Because it’s fucking glamorous!  Who doesn’t want to pose with their hand on their hip like that?  All the dudes want you, all the girls are doing the exact same thing as you, and all the studios are writing movies for you.  You’re big time.  You’ve seen it all.  You’ve done it all.  You’re wearing a $23,000 pearl necklace that Jacques Cousteau made for you out of hand-plucked pearls and a string from the harp of an angel.  You jelly?  See you in the Hamptons bitch. They were like, named after me.      

I have one last question to ask and this is an important one.  Extremely important.  I was running through my computer looking for some pictures when I came across this:

Who?!??!?!

Who is that!?  How is this picture saved on my computer!?  Can I borrow your tie!?  I seriously have no idea who this is or where the flaming tie this picture came from.  From the few clues I could gather, it appears as if his name is-I’m not kidding-Joey Cookies.  Who is Joey Cookies?  Do you know this man?  If you have any clues or leads regarding the mysterious Joey Cookies or how I ended up with this picture on my hard drive, you should report them to me immediately.

Do you have any questions you’d like me to answer?  Do you have any information on Joey Cookies?  Well send them to me.  I will answer anythingJasonNotImaginary@gmail.com, tweet @YourPalJason or leave a comment here.  Now vote on these hot button issues.  The winning selection will be featured in the next presidential debate.

 

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  1. August 23, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Jason, what do you think about old phone numbers?

    Paul Scholls

    • August 23, 2011 at 1:21 pm

      Thank you for your participation Mr. Scholls. Your question will be addressed the next time I dress up in my custom made question mark suit.

  2. August 23, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    I believe the video is from “Andy Dick’s Mario Kart”. You can only imagine how you throw turtle shells.

    I’ll give you a hint: It’s from their ass.

    • August 23, 2011 at 10:57 pm

      Aaaaah yes, you’re right! I can’t believe I missed that release. I will have to head over to
      Gayme Stop and pick up a copy.

  3. Ryan
    August 23, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    hahaha that video was hilarious! as for mr cookies. i duno who he is but im a lil scared

    • August 23, 2011 at 10:59 pm

      I’m definitely concerned about Joey Cookies. Who is he??? I need to find him and his tie.

  4. August 24, 2011 at 12:27 am

    According to Google, Joey Cookies is a NJ bakery, a restaurant in Hong Kong or a Virgo on blogroll.
    Don’t fall for the flashy tie, he’s just trying to distract you from the hideous curtains.

    • August 24, 2011 at 7:13 am

      Thanks for your sleuth work on Joey Cookies. I’m considering flying out to Hong Kong tonight to follow up on some potential leads.

      While you might be right about the tie/curtains distraction plan, one thing that Mr. Cookies can’t distract me from is his mustache.

      • August 24, 2011 at 11:46 am

        Beware the man with the cheesy mustache….

      • August 26, 2011 at 10:00 am

        Unless his name is Prince.

  5. August 25, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    i was cracking up reading your blog.. Thank you for that! specially the part about the do you look when you wipe lol..

    if you have time check out my blog:)
    http://sweetlyinluck.wordpress.com/2011/08/25/i-love-publix/

    • August 25, 2011 at 9:20 pm

      Thank you, thank you. It’s an important question that needs answers. Just like the Joey Cookies mysteries. If you hear anything, please let me know!

  6. Ralph
    August 26, 2011 at 7:05 am

    I’m guessing that video was a metaphor for your sexual frustrations.

    • August 26, 2011 at 7:11 am

      I take it Joey Cookies is someone you hold dear to your heart.

  7. August 26, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Remember a few months ago when the guy who invented the Segway was killed when his experimental Segway went off a cliff? That is a reconstruction of what really happened.

    • August 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

      Oooooh ok, that makes sense. I was convinced that could’ve been actual footage, that’s a way better reconstruction than anything Unsolved Mysteries has ever put together. If you have to go, I guess that guard rail crash/plow scene is the way to do it.

  8. August 26, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    That video… WTF?! Wtf wtf? WTF WTF!? Though…I think it moved…

    • August 26, 2011 at 7:51 pm

      The baby’s face at the end is such a beautiful touch.

  9. August 27, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    I got an e-mail from a reader that provided me with this tip regarding Joey Cookies: Don’t be alarmed, but this may be Waldo in disguise. I heard he was going by the name Joey Cookies these days.

    Very interesting information.

  10. December 8, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    My brother wore that same tie to my very Mormon sister’s shotgun wedding. No lie. lol…

    • December 8, 2011 at 1:26 pm

      That’s definitely a potential lead on Joey Cookies. Thanks for the tip.

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