Ask Jason: Ralphman Returns
Am I really going to start Ask Jason with a bunch of questions every time I write it? Does it bother you that much? What can you do to stop it? Do you really think that would matter? Are you delusional? How did you know I was? Wait, did you say something? So I might really be delusional?
Woah, that was intense! What even happened back there? Whatever it was, I’m glad it’s over. I’m happy you could join me again for another edition of Ask Jason. Gather around the fire, kiddies, and I will answer any question that your cute little brain can think up.
We’re back down to our usual three questions this time around. I’d like to take the time now to blame all of you for that. Maybe if I intimidate you and call you pussies, you will send me more questions. No, actually, I’m going to take the high road here. I understand that some people don’t feel comfortable asking questions, especially when they deal with such extremely important issues. However, I will commend the brave few that continue to to turn to me when things get confusing in their lives. Don’t be shy, I have the answer.
Q: Almighty Jason, what happens when you sneeze with your eyes open?
With Love, The Jasonites
A: Thank you to those of you who took the time to vote in the poll. It is always appreciated. The options were kind of weak this time, weren’t they? It won’t happen again, you have my word. Sneezing with your eyes open is something that has mesmerized me since I was a child. The first time that the idea of this heroic act even crossed my mind, I was in middle school. Every week, the teacher would distribute a children’s magazine of sorts that we would read together as a class. The cover of one of the issues featured the headline “NEVER SNEEZE WITH YOUR EYES OPEN!” in the largest text I’d ever seen. The headline was positioned over a picture of a cartoon cat with its tongue sticking out and its eyeballs hanging out of the sockets. Since then, I’ve been looking for volunteers to test it out so I could see the effects firsthand. What, you thought I was going to try that shit out myself? Yeah right. Sorry, but having the ability to lick my bungee jumping eyeballs isn’t the super power that I’ve always wished I had. But that could never actually happen to you, even if you tried. Any volunteers?
Q: Jason, can you describe what a normal trip to Walmart is like for you? What items do you usually buy?
Signed, Jubilee Swanson
A: I think you meant to ask what a normal trip to My Fashion Headquarters is like for me. But there are a few different kinds of Walmart trips. There’s the grocery shopping trip which we all know I despise. Then there’s the random shopping trip. This one obviously starts out at My Fashion Headquarters, moves to the toy aisle so that I can browse the newest wrestling action figures, then will end up in the health section as I stock up on vitamins and muscle powder to help further advance my bodybuilding career. The third and final kind of Walmart trip is my favorite. This is the “it’s three in the morning, I’m bored and Walmart is the only thing open” trip. Believe it or not, this trip is actually fun. This one starts out in the action figure aisle! After ripping open the packaging of the two toughest looking wrestlers and having a hardcore, anything goes match with them, I stuff them in my pocket and sprint to the gun counter. I ask to test out the telescope on each gun (I think that’s what they call it) but once I get one in my hands, I spin around in circles while pointing the gun forward and making machine gun noises. I won’t stop unless the guy working the counter yells “atten-hut!” and I tell him that as he’s screaming at me to stop. Eventually, I get bored with my machine gun game and find as many toy instruments as I can. I rush to the karaoke machines and make up as many songs as I can think of. That’s right, once every couple of weeks I record a Walmart album. I normally leave the tape in the karaoke machine so that whoever buys it can have a piece of history. Once my classic album is finished, I find some roller skates and strap them on. Then I skate as fast as I can out the door with the wrestling action figures still in my pocket. Success!
Don’t worry guys, Ralph is back.
What are you thinking? You are a bunch of idiots! Jasonites?, really that’s a stupid name. It sounds like some sort of heaven’s gate cult or something. So why don’t you all go do us a favor and strap on a pair of white Nike’s and kill yourselves. By the way sorry you haven’t heard from me for a while but I was on vacation in the Ozarks. I would have read the blog on my phone but I have to take a break once in awhile as I feel that reading this garbage decreases my intelligence and my sanity. Also only poor people would suffer through this dribble for entertainment, I’m surprised you can even afford an Internet subscription. Before you even start I don’t come here for entertainment purposes, what I do is a public service.
Screw you guys,
Jason, you don’t want to rap battle me again, or did you forget what went down back in ’93.
Woops, typo! It’s one thing when you come on here and insult me. It’s another thing when you blatantly attack the Jasonites. I’m sorry that you don’t find my memoirs entertaining. But those that do clearly have better taste in entertainment than you do. Vacationing in the Ozarks? What’s the main attraction there? The sister-kissers club? Ole Ollie’s Down Home Blue Grass Saloon? You’re right, I’d much rather be doing that right now. Oh the excitement! What do you mean reading this blog decreases your intelligence? This blog has more coherent thoughts in a single post that you’ve had in your life. Thanks for proving that to me in your latest letter. No Jasonite is going to kill themselves either. I know that would really help you get off (suicide loving sister-kisser), but it’s not going to happen. Jasonites are an exclusive group of people that know how to practice self-appreciation and understand how important they are to the world around them. I’m sorry that you feel worthless, but the people that come here sure as hell don’t. As for calling us all poor people, that’s a joke right? This blog is clearly tailored to those with insanely high IQ’s and stacks upon stacks of money just hanging out in their bedroom. If what you do is a public service, then what I do is charity work. Your useless services are going to fall victim to budget cuts, while this blog will go on forever as a useful, free goldmine of love. Muah.
I will always hate you, Jason
P.S. Big deal, you made me cry in the first rap battle I was ever in. Let’s try it again. I promise you the outcome would be different. Remember, I beat Lil Wayne.
That will do it for this edition of Ask Jason. PLEASE send me your questions. Remember, you can ask anything! You can either tweet me @YourPalJason, e-mail me at JasonNotImaginary@gmail.com or leave a comment here with your question(s). Any other way that you could get it to me would be greatly appreciated as well and I would specifically prefer a Blue Mountain musical e-card. Now, please help select the question that will be answered from the poll in the next Ask Jason.