Jase On: Lil Wayne
(Editors Note: I’m still the editor and these opinions still belong to me and nobody else. Love, Jason.)
The “who’s the best rapper of all time?” debate has been around as long as hip-hop itself. Several rappers have been included in this argument over the years. All of the greats like Biggie, Tupac, Jay-Z and Nas and even lesser-known geniuses like Mos Def and Talib Kweli. But there’s been a disturbing trend that I’ve overheard in this conversation recently. A name has been brought into this conversation that doesn’t even belong in the argument of “who’s the best rapper to use auto-tune and say waaaoooowaaaoooo?” How did you guess? It’s Lil Wayne.
Now, maybe I’m not qualified to have this conversation. I don’t know anything about rap music these days. I don’t know who The Wizard Khalifo is and have no idea what people are talking about when they recite their two favorite colors over and over again (green and aqua, green and aqua, green and aqua, green and aqua). But I do know that I’ve heard this before:
A Lil Wayne song is playing in the background. He makes some noises while his voice is in auto-tune and then does his signature, obnoxious laugh that he does right before every single verse. What could be that funny? Really? Every verse? I think it’s a joke that I have to hear this song too but it’s not a funny ha-ha joke. The most irritating voice in the history of music then begins to rap:
“Yo I’m hot like tha sun
You know I’m numba one
I’m also hot like a gun
Cuz you know guns are fun”
“Oh my god! Listen to those SIMILES!!” -“hardcore gangster rapper” Milton K. Percy Esq. seconds before laying down a track in “the lab” a.k.a. on the computer in the third floor, spare bedroom of his parents’ twenty-five thousand square foot house.
Yeah, I was in “the lab.” That will be explained later. But let’s get back to Mr. Wayne. Those are not rhymes that make you the best rapper of all time. I think even my grandma would be aware of that and the only thing that she has ever said about rap music was “oh boy! That McHammer (she thought he was Irish) has some shiny pants!” My three year-old cousin actually wrote the same exact poem in kindergarten (he’s advanced) without even knowing that rap music existed. Sure, he got suspended for talking about guns. But apparently he’s on the fast-track to becoming the greatest rapper of all time in the eyes of the clueless.
I’ve always been extremely confused about his name. Lil Wayne? The only other Lil I know was from Rugrats (or should I say Angelica’s acid dreams?). Her name was short for Lillian. Is it then safe to assume that Mr. Wayne’s full, given birth name is Lillian Wayne? I vote yes. Weird, I always thought that he looked like a female from certain angles! Lilian also has the most outrageous nickname I’ve ever heard. Weezy F’s Babies!?! Why?? How is he allowed to say that!? I’m so confused! And who the hell is Tha Carter and why does Lily keep naming his albums after him? There have been at least sixteen of them that have come out over the last couple years. Tha Carter XMCXL just came out last year (I spent hours researching before writing this). Is Tha short for Thad? Don’t you hate when people give you a “nickname” but all they’re really doing is leaving out the last letter or syllable of your real name? Thad hates it too, Lillian, so stop the bullshit.
Now, this shouldn’t be viewed as an anti-hip hop rant. It’s quite the opposite. I have always loved rap music. Almost as much as I love Harriet Winslow. In fact, I’m listening to the 1108 Thugz right now. I even told myself that I was a rapper at one point and recorded some hot trax that you’ll never get your hands on. For those keeping score at home, that’s when I was in “the lab.” I was a much better rapper than Milton, though.
I have made fun of plenty of “musicians” here. This is no exclusive club. Lady Blahblah, Sticky Ménage, NKOTBSBNSYNC5IVE, Justin Baby, they’re all on that list. But it’s different when you write about a rapper. You see, most rappers are sensitive and insecure. They usually don’t understand jokes or constructive criticism. You’re accused of starting beef with them and they record a song where they diss you and threaten your life. I am fully expecting this from Lillian and have prepared my battle rap response. Since Mr. Wayne has yet to record his future diss, I’m sure that this will be completely misunderstood as me challenging him to a rap battle. It’s self defense people. Oh, and every line in my rap will rhyme with Jason. And it will still be better than anything that Weezy F’s Babies has put out in the last eight years. Yo DJ Mean Person, drop the beat!
Uhhhhhhhhhh, yes!, what? (that doesn’t count as a rhyme, it’s just the intro.)
DJ DJ DJ Mean Mean Mean Person Person Person (ok, that definitely doesn’t count. I didn’t even say that, it was just that part of the track where the DJ says his name over the beat.) Uhhh! Uh huh, yee, yeeah yeee, uh huh (still doesn’t count.)
There was once a television program called Perry Mason
Either he solved crimes or it was my imagination
I have no idea what he did after cancellation
But hopefully he went out on a very long vacation
And with our luck, he probably got stuck at immigration
Held at the border, ten years incarceration
In football they throw a flag for excessive celebration
And this rhyme has fallen victim to my procrastination
Set the paper I wrote it on on fire incineration
But my flow is mad sick FUCKING EGO MASTURBATION
Chasin’, replacin’, erasin’, caucasian raisin
Do these words that end with -shun really rhyme with Jason?
BOOM! What’s up now? Get this, I didn’t even rap that in a voice that sounded like a nasally congested baby! I’m expecting hate mail from thousands of Wayniacs because of this. Wait a second, Lil Wayne’s fans don’t call themselves Wayniacs? Who’s in charge of his marketing!? Suddenly, I’ve had a change of heart. Please give me a call Mr. Wayne, I think I could do wonders for your career. I promise not to call you Lillian.
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