Ask Jason: Seriously, where the f*@% is Waldo?!
Hello again. Is it that time of the month? Are your dreams at night 3 sizes too big? Have you ever loved a Doug? Does any of this make sense to you? It doesn’t? Oh? These are all examples of questions that I’d be happy to answer for you. Yes, even “Oh?” Remember, you can ask me anything and I will answer it. This edition of Ask Jason features a question on renting vs. buying, the age old Where’s Waldo debate and our
buddy least favorite person in the entire world Ralph pays us another visit. Sit back and enjoy the only answer column that gives you the answers you’re looking for.
Q: Dear Jason- After years of renting, I have been considering buying a house of my own. Do you think I should take the plunge and become a home owner?
A: Well here are some questions I’d like to ask you to help you determine if you are ready to become a home owner. Do you have to store your clothes up in the attic? Is your landlord a complete idiot? Does he tell you things and forget them within seconds? Did he promise to drop off homemade wine for you at least twenty times, forget to do it, ask you how the wine was and yell at you when you told him he never dropped it off? Does he start conversations with you by screaming the second you pick up the phone over something you had nothing to do with? Is he in cahoots with your insane downstairs neighbor? Does your downstairs neighbor send you texts at five in the morning that read something like this: “thou shalt not walk upon thine own floor with shoes secured around thy ankles once the clock strikes eleven?” If you answered yes to any of these questions, I think it’s time to buy a house. Just be prepared to spend all of your free time doing random shit like cutting weeds around your house with scissors and sweeping your driveway.
Q: Jason, we have spent a good twenty-seven years of our collective lives searching for that bastard Waldo. We need your help. You need to solve this mystery for us. Where’s Waldo!?
Love, The Jasonites
A: First of all, thank you to all of the Jasonites that voted in the latest poll, I was hoping you’d pick “Where’s Waldo?” because I have a lot to say about this topic. Why are we always searching so hard for Waldo and why is it so hard to find him? You would think a guy that hasn’t changed his clothes in twenty-plus years would be easy to locate based on smell alone. Speaking of those clothes, have you ever noticed how much of a hipster Waldo is? Those glasses, that beanie, the tight jeans and the striped shirt? All he was missing was a mustache. This guy was the ultimate hipster influence. You would think he would’ve checked in on FourSquare by now and helped us all out. But seriously, why can’t we find this guy? Is he a fugitive or a homeless junkie? Those are the only two groups of people that I know of that are this impossible to locate. Has anyone tried to page him? That might work. What about just asking him? Oh, right, you’d have to find him first. If all of this talk has you pissed off about not being able to find Waldo, you should play his NES video game. All you kids out there that whine about games like Final Fantasy being soooooo hard, why don’t you check out Where’s Waldo? But I have no idea where this douchebag could be. When I do find him, and trust me I will, I am going to hurt him.
Oh goodie! Our dear friend Ralph is back!
To Whom it May Concern;
Sorry for the grammatical errors, not everyone can have their mom proofread their stupid blog. Here is a question for you, why? Why do you write this garbage about your life? No one cares. Is it because you have no friends in real life? Perhaps scarring childhood experiences that left you in a bad place mentally, and you feel that you need to do this as therapy. Please explain.
P.S. Moustaches are for pussies.
I don’t care if you’re allowed to start a letter like that or not, I’m doing it. Speaking of having no friends in real life, didn’t I just see you the other day? Oh yeah, that’s right, you walked up to me and tried to pat me on the shoulder while saying hello. Luckily, I dodged your shoulder tap but I pretended I was doing the limbo just so I wouldn’t hurt your feelings. See! I’m a good person! Why do I write this garbage about my life? Good question Ralph. THAT’S A GREAT QUESTION RALPH! YOU ASSHOLE! I’M SCREAMING AT THE COMPUTER SCREEN RIGHT NOW AS I WRITE THIS BECAUSE I HATE YOU! AND I AUTOMATICALLY WIN THIS ARGUMENT FOR TODAY BECAUSE I’M TYPING LOUDER!!1!!!1 MAYBE I DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS IN “REAL” LIFE! BUT IN IMAGINARY LIFE, EVERYONE THAT COMES HERE IS MY FRIEND! I SHOULD CHALLENGE YOU TO A RAP BATTLE (foreshadowing) YOU NO GOOD BOZO! Actually, you know what Ralph? I’m not even mad. You could never make me mad. You can’t beat me. Not even at checkers, backgammon (which I’ve never even played) or Dominos (not sure if I’ve played that either). You definitely can’t beat me in an argument. Can’t wait to hear from you again!
P.S. If I had a mustache, it could kick your ass. Who’s the pussy now?
This concludes another fine edition of the only answer column that matters. Did you think that this edition sucked? Well that’s your own fault! Submit your questions! You can get them to me either by commenting on this post, sending an e-mail to JasonNotImaginary@gmail.com or by tweeting me @YourPalJason. There are several other ways that you can get a question to me that I’m sure you can figure out. Remember, you can ask anything.
Now, please take time out of your important life to answer this poll. Once again, the winning question will be addressed in the next Ask Jason: