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Jase On: Facebook

(Editor’s Note:  The views and opinions provided below belong to Jason and Jason alone.  Please remember that you are partially responsible for what is written here because Jason is one of your imaginary real life friends.  Oh, by the way, this is Jason.  I’m the editor too.)

Facebook got weird for me the second my grandma “liked” a picture of me lying face down, passed out next to a toilet.  All of a sudden, everyone is on Facebook.  You can find hot bikini picz of your old social studies teacher or keep up with the latest drama between people you wished you didn’t know.  You can be reminded how boring most of the people you know are on a daily basis.

Thank you, Ms. McKenzie. It's been great "reconnecting" with you too.

You may ask then, why did I keep these people as my friends?  Wouldn’t it be easy to delete them and not deal with any of this at all?  The answer is obviously no.  How else would I keep myself entertained while surfing da web?  Personally, I can’t think of better entertainment than catching up with the latest edition of Baby Wars:  The Who’s The Best Mom Challenge or marveling at the fact that some of the girls I wanted when I was younger weren’t cast in Transformers with the way that they’ve morphed into Optimus Prime.

Although these aspects of Facebook provided hours of non-stop fun for me, there were still plenty of things about it that I couldn’t stand.  The first thing that comes to mind is all the idiots that let their account get hacked.  First of all, you are putting my account at risk by posting your bogus links.  Second, why would anyone click on these links in the first place?  How are you stupid enough to do that?  You really think that clicking on some link that your old friend Chris Penis is passing around is going to get you four free flights, a pack of bubblegum, free movie passes and the home of your dreams?  Where did you get your cyber-crack? Are you I-dosing?  Just because the world of high speed, dial-up AOL buddy lists is confusing to you doesn’t mean that it’s a magical treasure trove.  I don’t have the slightest fucking clue what a “telegraph” is but I wouldn’t expect it to make me rich just for using it.

Another thing that really irritates me about Facebook are the obnoxious nicknames that people include in their display name.  Now, I can understand people that change their name on Facebook or use their middle name as their last name to protect themselves (although they could be more creative) but this nickname shit does not make sense.  For example, let’s take a look at Chris ‘Woomp There It Is’ Baducci.  For the ease of the reader, I’ve decided to include the quotation marks and the spaces between the words in this particular user’s nickname because we all know that neither exists on their profile.  First of all Chris, you can’t make up your own nickname.  That’s not what a nickname is.  A nickname is a name given to you by your friends, normally because of some wacky event or circumstance that actually happened to you.  Stop trying to make us believe that your nickname is ‘Woomp There It Is’ because you’re a rapper/magician with a Yankees logo on your top hat that yells out your special nickname/catchphrase every time you pull a slimy, hair covered quarter out of Uncle Don Don’s ear.  That isn’t happening now and it will never happen.  In fact, I’ve known you for a long time Chris.  We all know that the only nickname anyone calls you is ‘Pissbasket’ because of that time you drunkenly mistook your little brother’s Easter basket for a toilet.  That nickname isn’t good enough for Facebook?  “Going away to college” doesn’t change anything.  You’re still Pissbasket.

Woomp! There I pissed!

One day when I was really pissed off, I decided I’d go onto Facebook for some entertainment to calm me down.  Unfortunately, the anger that was residing deep inside of my bones took control of my fingers as I tried to type.  Instead of logging on to Facebook, my maniacal fingers of rage lead me to facefuck.com. Although there were still a whole lot of faces and your fair share of entertainment, it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for.  I wanted to read a few whiny status updates to make me feel good about my life.  I knew that the Facebook Drama Club would be good for that.   They’re constantly reminding  their “friends” that they are working for seventeen hours and how unfair everything in their life is.  Yeah, actually, your life does sound like it sucks.  Maybe these whiners do have something to complain about.  They’re working for seventeen hours and crying over it while I’m pissed off because I just ate my last French fry.

Today's Your Pal Jason is brought to you by the letter F!

The reasons that I have mentioned here are the reasons that I decided to quit Facebook.  Don’t believe me?  Search for Jason and I won’t come up.  Trust me, I’m the only Jason that I know of with no last name.  It would be easy to track me down.  Instead, I decided to start my own personal website for Facebook-y things.  It’s called Jasebook.  But please don’t try to find me and friend me.  I will not accept your friend request.  However, if a Facebook fan page randomly sprung up for me, there’s a small chance I’d pay a visit to it.

Here are some tips I’d like to provide to Facebook users that can help make their experience more enjoyable:

  • Dudes, stop liking or commenting on revealing pictures of girls.  If she wanted your input on it, she would have sent it to you instead of putting it on Facebook.  Your likes or comments aren’t going to make her want you or consider dating you.  It will be just the opposite.  She’ll realize you’re a huge creep and potentially put a restraining order against you.  Take my advice and stop commenting and liking these photos before girls stop posting them.  Otherwise, you could ruin this for all of the perfectly normal guys out there that enjoy these pictures in peace.
  • Learn how to use the Facebook privacy settings.  Too many people end up in strange situations with their family members because of things that happen in regards to their profile.  Do you know how many times I’ve seen moms and grandmas freak out on Facebook statuses and call their son/grandson/grand daughter/daughter a “harlot(?)” or an “impure young man” because of comments that have been left?  Well, I don’t have an exact number either so stop asking me.  But I know that I’ve seen it.  It happens, ok?!?
  • Keep an eye out for my favorite types of pictures.  I hate to pick on the ladies exclusively here, but they are the ones most guilty of it.  We’re all familiar with Duck Face.  But there’s a few more that I’ve noticed that I’d like to share with you.  Watch for what I call the ‘camera blowj.’  This is the one where girls (or guys too, I suppose) stare into the camera with their eyes and mouth open wide in an attempt to look like they are shocked or surprised.  Another one of my favorites is what I call ‘flushing away your dignity.’  This one is quite obvious as it features an individual sitting on the toilet.
  • Block updates from people that play FarmVille/Mobsters/whatever.  Jesus Christ.
  • Like every status that says something like “Just got out of the shower.  Will be watching TV soon.” or “Just woke up.  Getting ready for work and then drinks tonight!”
  • Post completely random comments on unsuspecting friends’ pictures and statuses.  Make sure that it’s someone that would never expect this and be as sarcastic and ridiculous as possible.  They might not appreciate it but you will.  And that’s really all that matters.

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Please click the stars below this post to rate it (even if you hate it!).  Leave a comment with your Facebook account and let me know how stupid I am!  Oh, and get your questions submitted for the next Ask Jason!

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  1. J. Habiger
    July 15, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    We’re going to be fantastic friends, My Pal Jason.

    • July 15, 2011 at 1:52 pm

      Fantastic! Can I borrow some GI Joes then? I mean, I know we aren’t on “fantastic” level yet but if it’s inevitable…ya know?…

  2. July 16, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Laughed so hard a dropped my FarmVille cow.

    • July 16, 2011 at 4:05 pm

      If that’s enough to make you want to quit FarmVille, I feel as if I’ve done my job.

  3. October 18, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Without Facebook how else would we know the number of crazies roaming about us. The cat’s out of the bag as soon as someone opens their trap and most of the people we come across don’t talk more than your friendly “Hello” and “get lost!” But on Facebook, all they ever do is talk when their license to speak has clearly been revoked.

    And now the circle is complete, as I have indirectly praised the website by dissing it. Oh well, I’ll tweet my sorrows away.

    • October 18, 2011 at 1:10 pm

      I agree completely. These people have the right to complain to the world in text form about the “terrible” things happening to them. They normally wouldn’t be given the time of day in a face-to-face conversation so they deserve this chance. Too bad they usually blow it.

      Just be sure to tag your tweet with #FacebookProblems. Anything that ends in Problems seems to be a huge hit on Twitter these days.

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