Ask Jason: War Declared on the Jasonites
America has questions and Jason has answers. Want to know the square root of 3? Need to find a good way to break up with your girlfriend? Want to know who will win American Idol? (Please don’t ask me that.) Looking for a cheap plastic surgeon? Do you really think I can help you with any of these things? You’ll never find out if you don’t ask. No question will go unanswered and no subject is off limits. Ask anything. Let us begin.
Q: Jase, if you could have any animal as a pet, what would you choose…and why?Signed, Anonymous
A: Ann, as we can see by your question, we are now on a shortened first name basis. There is no longer the need to write out your full name when sending me questions. What animal would I like as a pet? This is a tough question. I can tell you what animal that wouldn’t be. A bird. The sole reason for this decision is that I’m scared to death of them. I had a bird when I was younger and somehow, he frequently broke out of his cage. Every time he did, my mom would freak out and yell “RUN!!” and shove my brother Marvin and I in the nearest closet while she shielded my then-baby sister Jessakin. If that doesn’t sound like a mentally scarring experience, tell me what does. Quick aside, yes my name does rhyme with my brother’s and sister’s names. My parents were poets and they definitely did know it. And it was embarrassing.
Q: Do you think it tarnishes the legacy of a star player if he fails to win a Stanley Cup with his long-time team but wins it with a perennial contender?Signed, Joe B in Lockport
A: YES! Sports! I’ve been hoping and praying for a sports question to come my way. Thank you for answering my wishes Genie Joe. Also, can you believe I have readers in Lockport?! Talk about going worldwide. When I look at this question, the first name that comes to mind is Lanny McDonald. For those that are unfamiliar with Lanny, he had the most beloved mustache in the history of hockey. He was a pretty good hockey player too. Lanny reached superstar status as a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs in the 1970s but was unable to bring the elusive Stanley Cup home as a member of the team. As Lanny’s career wound down, he spent the last half of his career with the Calgary Flames. In his last NHL season, Old McDonald finally had a Cup on his farm. Is Lanny McDonald’s legacy tarnished for not winning a Cup with the Cable Thiefs ? Lanny’s real legacy is his mustache. I’ll always remember Lanny for his last moments as an NHL player. Lanny sipping from the world’s most prestigious pimp cup as his mustache (now fused into a magnificent playoff beard) cried champagne tears of joy. My answer is no.
Here is a letter that I received from a member of an apparent anti-Jason coalition. I have included my answer as well. Please note that he insults each and every one of you. This means war.
you suck. Yes I am aware that is not a question, but I felt that everyone should know the truth. Here is a question for you, How do you manage to suck so much? Now I now this is a bit vague and hard for you to comprehend, but for the sake of your “readers” please try to explain how it is that you suck more than a Flow Bee in a Billy Mays commercial. Riddle me this O Great Wizard!
I hope you die in a fire,
Not your pal Ralph
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. That is, unless they’re spelled incorrectly and used improperly in a sentence. But I’m not going to be that douche bag that points out your grammatical errors. (Wait, I already did that?) I have much more that I’d like to say to you mister. By putting the word readers in quotes, you have managed to insult each and every one of the Jasonites. By insinuating that they don’t exist, you’ve guaranteed yourself the top spot on the sinner list at the Jasonic Temple. The fact of the matter, Ralph, is that you’re actually the one that sucks. Want to know how I know? You know what a “Flow Bee” is. Sorry, I have much more important things to do than catch up on five year old Billy Mays commercials. What is a Flow Bee though? I’m curious. No, actually I’m not! No real person would ever give a Ninja Turtle flying-kick fuck. This “question” is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. All of my teachers that I had growing up that said that no question is ever a stupid question must have never met you. This is a worse question than “ooooh, did you get a haircut?” when you come into work bald after having a mullet the day before. No idiot, it fell off and I spent the entire night in the hospital. Does it look noticeably different? Please help, I’m scared! Anyway, I hope I die in a fire too. When I’m 165 years-old though. That sounds like a much more legendary fate than “succumbed to cance (my personal nickname for cancer).” I’m glad you’re not my pal.Never chew your nuts, Jason
Please submit your questions for the next edition of Ask Jason. They can be submitted as comments here or in an e-mail to JasonNotImaginary@gmail.com. Or you can exercise your creative muscles and figure out another way to get them to me. I hope someone rips Ralph a new one. New hole in his purse that is. I love you all, signed Jason.
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