Ask Jason-Round One
Is your life confusing? Do you need relationship advice? Do you want a psychic reading? Do you need help with your math homework? Well, you need to ask Jason. This is round one of what will hopefully be a recurring section of my extremely important blog where I will answer your questions about anything and refer to myself in third person. Today’s edition features a couple personal questions that will help all of my readers become best friends with me and an extremely important educational question. Without further ado, I give you the world’s new favorite advice column.
Q: Jason, what is your favorite song?
A: I’m very happy that you asked me that, Ann. Can I call you Ann? I think that if I spread my great musical taste to the rest of the world, I can help everyone forget about the garbage that is getting spewed out by “artists” like Lady Blah Blah and Sticky Menage. Although I can’t narrow my answer down to one specific song, I can give you a couple different songs that I will recommend to anyone with ears. “Owjay” by Painful Sex and “Bubblegum” by Beautiful Jessica are two of the greatest songs ever written. If you’re unfamiliar with those, I’m hoping I can share them with you someday soon. Another one of my favorites is the Jason theme song that I hope will exist one day. The only thing I can tell you about it is that it will feature the chorus of “Feed the World” but with the words “Jaaaaasoooon, wooooah-oh” replacing “feed the world.”
Q: Dear Jason, where do babies come from?
Signed, The Great Jessica of Cheektovegas
A: It appears as if we have one of my younger readers here. Either that, or we have someone that coincidentally slept through the same lesson in class for five years straight. Let’s assume that we have a younger reader and keep this clean for the children. Great Jessica, most , if not all babies originally come from Jason’s magical wizard. Does that mean that there is a chance that you are one of my children? It is very possible. I will give you a couple minutes to celebrate but I will warn you, don’t expect much of an inheritance to be left for you. All of the money will be spent.
Q: Jason, why do you act like some hard-ass, almighty genius but you are scared to tell us your last name? Be a real man, Jason. What is your last name?!
Signed, Jim Business
A: Aaaah yes, my good friend Jim Business. Jim, you don’t have to be bitter about the incident in the grocery store anymore. Let’s just put that behind us. As for my last name, I’ve never revealed it because I don’t have one. That’s right, I’m the Madonna of real life. I bet you feel stupid now. Coming on here and trying to talk like the big boy down the street who was the first one to get a Power Wheels car. Shame, shame James Biz.
Well, that concludes Round One of Ask Jason. Thank you to everyone who participated, except for Jim Business of course. Asshole. If you’d like to participate in the next edition of America’s new favorite advice column, you can either comment on this post or send an e-mail with your question to Jasonnotimaginary@gmail.com. There are also other creative ways to come into contact with me that I’m sure all of my intelligent readers can figure out.
Be sure to like or rate this post and don’t be afraid to comment. If I do comment back, I promise to be my peachy little self. Also, a subscription would be greatly appreciated. Now please take time out of your busy day to take this important poll about myself: