The Funeral-Part Two
As I stood there pretending my eyes were watering because of my allergies, I saw a quick flash out of the corner of my eye. All of a sudden, four strange old ladies appeared out of nowhere and scooped the casket up. I jumped back like a scared little bitch that had just seen a mouse and screamed at the top of my lungs.
“WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE WEIRD GRAVE ROBBER GYPSIES?!?”
I lunged forward and tried to stop them but was met by the priest’s extended arm.
“Let The Sisters take her. Give her to The Sisters,” said the priest in a creepy, yet reassuringly calm voice.
So I let The Sisters take her. You can’t blame me for being freaked out. These jangly-bracelet wearing weirdos showed up out of thin air and snatched a casket from my feet. I bet if that happened to you, you’d have a Triangle Seizure. What’s a Triangle Seizure you ask? Well, that’s a story for another day. Anyway, The Sisters got the casket into the hearse in record time and we crawled to the church. We walked in, took our seats and the singing started up again immediately.
“SHE IS NOT DEAD, SHE IS JUST SLEEPING, SHE WILL WAKE UP SOON, WE TRICKED YOU ALL!”
I’m sure I heard that one wrong. As we sat there listening to Funeral: The Musical, I started to daydream. I started to gaze around the church admiring the beautiful stained glass and beautiful…women? Out of nowhere, I spotted the hottest girl I’d ever seen. This girl made Mila Kunis look like my fourth grade lunch monitor. As I stared into her eyes, I started to hear music. R. Kelly’s “Bump n’ Grind” and Meat Loaf’s “I’d Do Anything for Love” started to play simultaneously in my head, creating a mash-up that no one would ever want to hear. I subconsciously started to gyrate, displaying my critically acclaimed “best hips in Western New York.” As I started to imagine beautiful love on a boat and romantic summers at the flea market, I was interrupted by the priest’s singing.
“WHEN SHE AWAKES, YOU WILL ALL BE SCREAMING, I WARNED YOU IT WOULD HAPPEN, NEVER DOUBT ME!”
I gave the priest a dirty look and looked back toward my fiance. What I saw disgusted me. It turns out my daydream was more like a boredom-induced LSD trip! There was no super hot girl. The woman that I thought I had fallen in love with was actually one of The Sisters! Even worse, she was staring at me, licking her lips and doing the solo-makeout-fakeout that got popular in the nineties, the last decade she was coherent in! Even worse than that, she had a better moustache than I could ever grow! I was trapped in love jail against my will and this priest was the warden. The way that he kept singing about Aunt Iliana being asleep and not really dead, I was in solitary confinement on death row. As I was read my last rites and started to eat my last meal, I was miraculously granted a last second pardon. The priest came through. Well, kind of.
“Now we will perform the sacred act of the Last Kiss. I will call you up row by row and you will all kiss Iliana one last time. Following the kiss, you may exit the church and head home. This will conclude our ceremony for today. AAAAAAMEN, A-MANY MEN MEN, AMEN MEN MEN IS THE MEN OF ALL MEN,” he sang one last time.
So let me get this straight. We have to go play Sleeping Beauty with a dead person? I guess if this the only chance I’ll get to escape love jail I’ll take it. The way the rows were set up, I would be the first in line for the kiss. This way I could give a quick kiss and then run out the church doors, forever leaving behind my love jail keeper. But I was NOT looking forward to this kiss. I started to freak out.
“Yo, this is kind of fucked,” I whispered to Marvin who was standing behind me in line. Before he knew what hit him, I grabbed him and pulled him in front of me in the line. Seniority wins in this situation. I’m older, there was nothing he could do about it. Marvin reluctantly went in for a quick kiss and I followed. I pretended to kiss the body then began to speed walk toward the door. Home free I thought. Suddenly, I heard a lady scream in horror.
“OH MY GOD!!! SOMEONE STOP HIM!!!!”
Not kissing her was really that big of a deal? I turned around to the most outrageous scene I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. I realized that the yelling wasn’t about me. At the casket, there was an extremely disheveled old man giving his last kiss. Now this wasn’t anything like the kisses anyone else had given. This guy was really into it. And I mean REALLY into it. We’re talking full on romantic, possible tongue kiss. There was no sign of him stopping anytime soon. I couldn’t figure out if I was stuck in some weird romantic movie or if I’d been spendin’ most my life livin’ in a necrophiliac’s paradise. Finally, after what seemed like twenty-five minutes, a few of the men in the church were able to pull Weird Sr. away. As they carried him out of the church, he kicked his feet wildly and kept screaming “I’ve always loved her!”
As I stared at this horrible catastrophe of a man, I realized that I had lost track of my ex-wife. Just as this thought had crossed my mind, I felt a tugging at my arm. I looked to my right and was poked in the eye by gray moustache whiskers. She had snuck up on me! As she started to wrap her arms around me, I started to do the Electric Slide and broke out of her grasp. I screamed to Marvin because he was my ride.
“Marvin, let’s go!”
There was definitely some hesitation on Marvin’s behalf. I think he wanted some revenge for the beautiful maneuver I had pulled on him in the Last Kiss line. I could tell that he thought it would be hilarious if this prehistoric Hornysaurus tackled me to the ground but there was no way I was going to let that happen. As she reached for me, I boogie-woogie-woogie-woogied out of her range. Marvin finally realized the danger of the situation I was in and started to run for the car. Behind me, it sounded like all Hell had broken loose in the church. Some people were still screaming and crying about the Last Kiss incident and others started to notice the super-psycho Sister that was causing all the ruckus near the church doors.
We made our way out the doors but she was still hot on our trail. Now, she was joined by the rest of The Sisters and they were displaying their superhuman strength and speed that they had displayed during the day’s earlier event, the casket relay. As I felt their old breaths on my neck, we were within arms length of the car. I Greg Louganis’d through an open car window (it was very hot outside) and Marvin hopped in and started up the car. “No splash, perfect ten,” I whispered to myself. I felt a tugging at my foot and my shoe was pulled off but luckily Marvin was able to speed off before my foot was devoured.
As we drove off, I looked in the rear view mirror to see Zombie Bride making out with the inside of my shoe. Wow, I thought to myself. Maybe this WAS better than getting drunk all day.