Your Pal Jason

Pretending to be a Better Person: 4 Nice Tips

Jason — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 23:00:12 +0000

You have to pick your family up from the airport in half an hour. Nobody else can do it but you’re convinced that you have a really bad disease and this cool show about Bigfoot is about to start. A super awesome idea about making a double-decker peanut butter and jelly sandwich just popped into your head too. What do you do?

If you chose Bigfoot, you’re exactly like me. Well, at least how I used to be. Until I decided to become a better person. Ok, maybe I didn’t really decide that but, like, at least three people are really convinced that I did. Maybe you can do like I did and trick people into thinking that there’s a new and improved you. It’s at least worth a shot.

Here’s a few nice tips that I’ve used to brainwash people into thinking that I’m actually trustworthy and decent. They might be able to help you out, too.

GIVE PEOPLE STUFF

Nothing says “I care about you,” quite like a piece of chicken in her face. This Mother’s Day, give back to your mom for all that she’s given to you. Just make sure you don’t leave without sniffing her face for crumbs.

But don’t stop with the chicken for your mom! Actually, yeah. Stop there. It’s way too expensive to be going out and just picking shit up for your friends all the time.

DONATE AND SHIT

The next time a store asks you to donate a dollar to a great cause, do it. Just make sure your name is going up on the wall with the rest of the charity hall-of-famers. Sign your name as Showtime to be sure it sticks out. Then get wild in that bitch! Hang out by your sign and let everyone know who the fuck Showtime is! You just donated to a charity! You can do whatever the fuck you want!

COMMUNICATE

Let people know what’s up. Leave a note at your work station or at home if you’re going to be away. The more honest, the better. Don’t be afraid to be descriptive. Draw pictures, estimate the time you’ll be away. Whatever helps the people around you think that you would actually care about keeping in touch with them.

BE SUPPORTIVE

You should always try to be there for your friends. But like everything else in life, being supportive has its limits. In this instance, that limit is funerals. Your friends can’t expect the world from you and you need to lay down the law in this scenario. “I’m sorry, but I can’t make it to the funeral. My chest actually hurts. A lot,” you explain in an email you send to their work account over the weekend. Your friend gets all mad but it’s one of those sad-mads so you know everything will be fine in a couple weeks.

After all, people die from chest pain every day. If anything, you were just protecting them from another tragedy. What a great friend you are!

These four tips helped me get back on my grandma’s Christmas money list. I can only hope they’ll work half as well for you.

Super Bowl Showdown

Jason — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 03:59:24 +0000

(another genius contribution from @Freakarms)

An Open Letter to Capri Sun

Jason — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 01:26:47 +0000

Dear Capri Sun,

Science discovers outer space and invents robots. Magic is a thing. Yet, your Kangaroo juice pouch still has a shitty straw hole. How many times do I have to end lunch with a punctured juice sack and strawberry-kiwi scented nipple stains before this travesty comes to an end?

Look, I’ve never written a letter before. Honestly, I’ve never cared about anything enough to write a letter. But this is different. This is actually important. How many times do we as Americans have to suffer through the injustice of poking our straws all the way through your sack? We don’t want a Capri Sun shower. We have a Constitution that protects us from stuff like that.

I really don’t want to quit on you. Capri Sun has been with me through a lot of really memorable moments in my life. My first high school lunch, the first time I watched Power Rangers. Capri Sun is even what my friend Anthony and I were drinking when that porn with the guy who tried to oops his own uh-oh came on. Fucking memories, man. Your juice belongs in my mouth!

Capri Sun has always been the cool juice box and that’s why I’m hoping we can still hang out. Capri Sun is what my cousin who smoked cigarettes in second grade drank with his lunch everyday. I’ll bet astronauts and A.C. Slater drink it too. Trust me, I’m not asking for a huge box. We love your shiny sack of Space Age juice! But isn’t there something you can do about your hole?

How do I expect you to fix your hole? Maybe some kind of, like, cool ramp that has rainbows on it and stuff? That would probably work. But I’m no scientist. I’m just an average guy, drinking your juice in my underwear and watching Thundercats DVDs. And I want it to stay that way.

Inexplicably naked,

Jason

When Commercials Work

Jason — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 01:12:50 +0000

Start here:

Some commercials create a jingle to help sell their product. Rarely does a commercial create a generation-defining anthem that changes music as we know it.

Take a guy singing the catchiest melody of all time in my first-thing-in-the-morning voice. Throw it over a sexual synthy bass and some other musicy shit and we’re ready for Jazzercise class. If you aren’t singing this song to yourself as you bathe your children and do your taxes, you’re probably one of those lame shitheads that “don’t listen to music.”

But it’s not just the music. This commercial has it all. Great product shots, men in bracelets, romance. A few of these scenes deserve a special look.

JUST A COUPLE OF DUDES, HANGIN’ OUT

NBC’s The Voice is all like “he’s the man,” and the man is all like “I’m wearing bracelets!” But then the arrow was all like “this is cuter than puppies!”

MMMMHHMMM

You’re right, jugs would have been too much. Now let me slide all up on you as we reenact a tender real life moment over a couple bottles of wine. Mmmm my precious Chardonnay.

♪WHERE CAN YOU FIND THIS DUDE WITH THE MUSTACHE?, NEXT TIME THIS BETTER BE YOU♪

YOU’RE GONNA BUY YOUR FUCKIN LIQUOR AT ON THE ROX! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? NEITHER OF YOU LOOK AT ME! THERE’S NOTHING EVEN IN THAT BAG! FUCK!

Hopefully, if you’re musically inclined like Mozart and a couple of the Village People, you sang every word of this to the tune of the On the Rox jingle. If you plan on buying liquor again, I’ll see you at On the Rox.

Peep My Wardrobe, Bitch

Jason — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 02:30:53 +0000

Jason and fashion. Two words that go together so well, they kind of almost rhyme. When you’re a fashion icon, your choice of clothing influences a ton of people or some kind of bullshit like that. But when you’re an average slob like me, you can wear whatever the fuck you want. Even to work. Alright, maybe not work if you still want it to be a place that you go.

Let me model some beautiful shit for you. JASON FASHION TAKEOVER.

Are you a dude? Have you ever been on a boat? Well then you’re qualified to wear this shirt. Convince some stupid rich girl with a yacht that you’re her special little sailor boy and KABLOWJIE! You’re getting blown off shore every weekend!

Custom made and handcrafted from the hair fibers of extinct Ice Age mammals, this one of a kind sweater will wow people everywhere that wear clothes. An artist was specially commissioned to create a future vision of me, which you see on the left; smoking a pipe in teal sweatpants on a fishing trip. I’ve never smoked a pipe and I could give two fucks about fishing, but dreams come true in pants so tealy blue. I’m not sure what that means either.

Made from tiny bits of constellations, staring directly into the pants will cause erotic visions of shooting stars every time you close your eyes. A verified cousin of the Star Spangled Banner, the next time one of my pick up lines includes something about having a star spangled crotch, it won’t even be a lie. Only one t-shirt could ever accent pants so galactic and you see it here. If you want to dress like me, hopefully you’re not one of those pussies that’s afraid of clowns.

The finest in mens formal evening wear. This jacket was designed by someone who ate too much 1980s for breakfast and threw the decade up all over some flashy, electric blue fabric for lunch. The multi-colored tassels help give you that Macho Man-on-Ecstasy-at-the-Oscars vibe. If you ever needed proof that you can’t overdose on high class, this is it.

All garments featured here are available for worship by fashionistas around the world.

The Neighbor Who Broke Christmas

Jason — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 15:25:35 +0000

There’s lots of shit in life that people take too far. Fun things that most people are able to do in moderation. Drinking, gambling, porn. One of these things that should never be taken too far is decorating for Christmas. It’s one thing to assemble an extravagant light show that will throw your neighbors into an epileptic fit. I’m all for that, that sounds hypnotizingly delicious. But it’s a completely different story to assemble the Island of Misfit Christmas Blow-Up Dolls on your front lawn. Especially when you’re building the Island as if it were Noah’s Ark. Take a quick look, there’s at least two of every creature on this lawn. Two Whinnie the Poohs, two Tiggers, nine hundred Nutcrackers. Spongebob and the Grinch can be grouped together because what the fuck are they anyway?

You thought they were done? No way. The front lawn’s not enough, let’s move it on to the side lawn! Because no Christmas is complete without Bart Simpson…sitting on blocks? Notice how the candy cane fence ropes off the Misfits from the outside world. Can you imagine the conversation that took place in this household leading up to the construction of the Island? “Jim, you better build me a candy cane fence to keep those monsters out there away from my babies!” Good call on that though. I give it a couple days before the neighborhood Satanists come in and shove those candlesticks up Frosty the Snowman’s fluffy, white ass.

This holiday season, please learn to practice moderation. If you really need to show off your blow-up dolls, maybe put like two or three on display. The rest should be kept for your own personal enjoyment, tucked away in your bedroom somewhere.

Artistic Genius

Jason — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 16:27:35 +0000

It was the idea of a lifetime. Who could top this? Write about pro-wrestling being responsible for world peace and create the single-greatest internet image yet to be seen by man. Hulk Hogan and Jesus shaking hands. But when I sat down to draw, something magical happened. Something much better than two of the world’s most popular figures creating everlasting world peace with a single touch of the hands. I gave birth to this art baby:

As you can see, I elected to title the piece “When Hulk Hogan Met Jesus” anyway. There’s no doubt in my mind that this works. A man, who could probably pass for Jesus from behind, is reaching out to and possibly petting a large, furry animal. Coincidentally, this animal has Hulk Hogan’s haircut. Fifty years from now, I’ll pretend that scholars somewhere are arguing that the look in “Hulk Hogan’s” eyes represents the moment that he first realized he was partially responsible for world peace.

Like most great artists, I didn’t realize I had created a masterpiece. I felt frustrated. I needed to focus on the handshake. The handshake was the most important part, after all. Handshake. Hands:

Handsuits. Two men. One the Satanic spawn of The Joker and Marilyn Manson; the other with one eye, a headband and a suit that doesn’t even fit. Both wearing handsuits. What is a handsuit? Some things are better off when they’re left open for discussion. I was finally able to sit back and admire my work. The details, the subtle imagery. What it was saying about today’s society. The tiny hand, the pointy hand, the lack of feet. Just everything. Knowing that Handsuits will undoubtedly be made into a feature film one day has put me at peace with my life.

The next time you dream about world peace, just remember this. Maybe it doesn’t really take Hulk Hogan and Jesus shaking hands. Maybe all we really need in this dangerous world of ours are a couple of handsuits.

My Neighbor’s Dick Garden

Jason — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 22:20:56 +0000

I’ve heard of a green thumb before, but never a peen thumb. It seems to me that this garden would be a perfect candidate to be the main character in The Secret Garden but there’s nothing secret about it. A large, growing penis in the middle of the front yard. I can’t even imagine how many penis enhancement e-mails had to be opened in order to achieve that size. Let there be no question who has the biggest dick on the block.

The one thing that you’ve got to admire is the dick’s willingness to engulf itself in latex. What a great hands on model for neighborhood teens to learn how to wrap it up. You see kids? Even the world’s biggest dick wears protection!

Dropping temperatures make me feel sympathetic for this unrealistically huge penis that I’d normally be jealous of. Forced to live outside in the cold and snow, I can’t imagine the amounts of shrinkage that poor Dick will have to deal with. This gives blue balls a whole new meaning.

Sexy Kitty

Jason — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 15:36:36 +0000

HEEEEY WHAT’S UP LADIES? SEXY KITTY GETS ALLLLLLL THE PUSSIES.

SEXY KITTY KNOWS HE’S SEXY. MIRROR KISSES EVERY MORNING.

STRAIGHT SEXY CHILLIN.

SEXY KITTY WRITES YOU A SONG, BITCH. SOME REAL ROMANTIC SHIT.

BEING SO SEXY IS TIRING. HOP IN GIRL, YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.

A Safety Guide for Everyday Life

Jason — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 17:53:45 +0000

People make decisions everyday. Some people choose safety. These are the smart ones. These are the ones that live long, wonderful lives. Did I mention they’re rich? Then we have the Satan spawn, the danger mongers. The “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” assholes. These are the people that fuck around with danger and then have the balls to ask it on a second date. They wind up in jail. Or bloody. Or DEAD. Do you want to die?

These are a few examples of ways to practice safety and avoid danger.

DON’T TRUST THAT GOD DAMN WEATHER MAN
His forecast is fulla shit! Trust Grampy! He’s never lied to you before, has he Scout? Stay dry all the time, like me! Ya see! My skin is flaking off as we speak!

HOT FACIALS
Don’t blow fireballs, blow kisses! Stay away from the steamy, gooey mess of the burn victim’s unit and live to spit another day.

IT’S ALWAYS GAME TIME
Keep that helmet on. You’re never out of the game! What’s that? Coach is talking to you through a magical ear piece? Spring into action and wrap danger up for a big safety! Safety spankings for the whole team!

DON’T BECOME CREEPY UNDERWEAR MAN
You say it’s just a one time thing. Just today, you’re going to go down to the park in your underwear. Never again, just this one time. But once you get there, the sunlight reflecting off of your shiny, satin bikini briefs changes your life. Every waking hour goes into becoming Creepy Underwear Man. Different colors, different textures, different glitter-to-fabric ratios. Underwear to family dinners. Underwear to work. You never went to the library before, but fuck it, underwear to the library too.

There is an important lesson buried somewhere in this sacred text. Only those that continue to practice safety will recognize this lesson. Always remember, safety first.