Home > Humor > An Open Letter to Capri Sun

An Open Letter to Capri Sun

Dear Capri Sun,

Science discovers outer space and invents robots.  Magic is a thing. Yet, your Kangaroo juice pouch still has a shitty straw hole.  How many times do I have to end lunch with a punctured juice sack and strawberry-kiwi scented nipple stains before this travesty comes to an end?

Look, I’ve never written a letter before.  Honestly, I’ve never cared about anything enough to write a letter.  But this is different.  This is actually important.  How many times do we as Americans have to suffer through the injustice of poking our straws all the way through your sack?  We don’t want a Capri Sun shower.  We have a Constitution that protects us from stuff like that.

I really don’t want to quit on you.  Capri Sun has been with me through a lot of really memorable moments in my life.  My first high school lunch, the first time I watched Power Rangers.  Capri Sun is even what my friend Anthony and I were drinking when that porn with the guy who tried to oops his own uh-oh came on.  Fucking memories, man.  Your juice belongs in my mouth!

Capri Sun has always been the cool juice box and that’s why I’m hoping we can still hang out.  Capri Sun is what my cousin who smoked cigarettes in second grade drank with his lunch everyday.  I’ll bet astronauts and A.C. Slater drink it too.  Trust me, I’m not asking for a huge box.  We love your shiny sack of Space Age juice!  But isn’t there something you can do about your hole?

How do I expect you to fix your hole?  Maybe some kind of, like, cool ramp that has rainbows on it and stuff?  That would probably work.  But I’m no scientist.  I’m just an average guy, drinking your juice in my underwear and watching Thundercats DVDs.  And I want it to stay that way.

Inexplicably naked,

Jason

Categories: Humor Tags: , , , , ,
  1. January 15, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    The Capri Sun hole, the most illusive of holes. I will join your quest in making that hole easier for my straw to pierce. How much of my life has been wasted trying to insert it? I dare not fathom the answer.

    • January 15, 2012 at 9:46 pm

      Thank you for support. We need to spread the word! We need to fix the Capri Sun straw hole once and for all!

  2. umezono
    January 15, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    This is probably the most relevant and important piece of writing I have ever read.

    • January 15, 2012 at 9:46 pm

      Thank you. I knew this had to be done. I’m happy you agreed.

  3. January 15, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    I can’t imagine how badly we have scarred the youth of America in our vain attempts to stab a silly straw in a too small hole. I shudder at how this will affect them further in their lives. Shame on you Capri Sun, shame on you.

    • January 15, 2012 at 9:48 pm

      Just imagine how it’s affected me. Mostly because it’s too hard to get my juice out though.

  4. January 15, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    Are you proposing a Capri Sun pouch without a ummmm….damn it, I don’t want to write that word for that membrane

    • January 15, 2012 at 10:28 pm

      Just widen the hole a little bit. Or maybe give us an entrance ramp. That’s all I’m asking.

  5. freakarms
    January 15, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    yo know that when tang started doin those pouch drinks the slogan was “tang, its a kick in the pouch” now how is that relevant to the story? i have no idea but its a great slogan.

    • January 15, 2012 at 10:26 pm

      Let’s give Capri Sun a kick in the pouch. Maybe that will make their straw hole a little bit bigger.

  6. January 15, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    I am confident Capri Sun will correct said problem forthwith. You need a mom, I have mastered the puncture…find a chick with kids :)

    • January 15, 2012 at 10:53 pm

      That would probably be helpful. But what am I gonna do when I’m sitting around in my underwear by myself and I don’t have a straw specialist with me? I would be so dehydtrated! That’s why this straw issue needs to be resolved.

      • January 16, 2012 at 2:11 am

        I think you should hold it and cry until someone shows up, possibly soil yourself?

      • January 16, 2012 at 10:31 am

        I think you’re on to something. That’s totally doable. Actually, I think it might have been done already.

      • January 17, 2012 at 8:40 am

        Yeah you know how to melt a woman’s heart and bring out the caregiver instinct.

      • January 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

        Yes, I’m definitely a true romantic.

  7. January 16, 2012 at 4:06 am

    Gold. Just…gold. It’s like, ya know, “Hey Capri Sun, take a hint from something called Bug Juice and get with the bottle program.” Respect the Pouch? How about Capri Sun respects the fact that a sharp piece of plastic can’t safely and efficiently make it through a hole the size of a quark.

    • January 16, 2012 at 10:41 am

      A bottle might not be a bad idea. But the pouch is what gives Capri Sun character. We just need an improved hole. Like make it bigger or an entry way to the hole. Maybe like a knife instead of a straw? I think all of this would work.

  8. YB
    January 16, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    what if the straw was already inside the hole and covered with plastic? then you’d only have to rip off the plastic and suck away….wait…ok now my mind is in the gutter…

    • January 16, 2012 at 9:39 pm

      Unwrap and slurp. Great idea. Sometimes, you need to be in the gutter to come up with the best ideas.

  9. January 17, 2012 at 8:44 am

    There’s nothing more annoying than when the straw goes straight through. Still, I buy them because I like feeling like an astronaut.

    • January 17, 2012 at 10:31 am

      Exactly! It’s the only juice that I can drink that can make me feel like a hero.

  10. January 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm
    • January 17, 2012 at 9:16 pm

      Thank you, I appreciate it!

  11. January 19, 2012 at 9:52 pm

    Thanks. This had to be addressed. It’ a pain in the ass at my house too.

    • January 20, 2012 at 8:36 pm

      Let’s hope we can all help change the world together.

  12. Nicole
    July 25, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    When inserting the straw, push it in and down. Then, WALA!!!
    You have your juice

  13. Nicole
    July 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    cut the top with a knife and WALA!! Just put ur straw in it and drink it. Thats what everyone in my house do these days

    • July 26, 2012 at 11:15 am

      What if I cut off my finger? I mean, I love Capri Sun but I don’t know if I’m willing to lose a limb trying to get to some. I really hope these scientists will get it together and invent some new trick soon.

  1. January 29, 2013 at 1:40 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 125 other followers

%d bloggers like this: